My Dance With The Devil #Heroin

When I was first introduced to heroin it was by my boyfriend at the time. We will just call him “Walter.” I wasn’t aware of his drug use prior to moving in, but as time went on I started to catch on, and within weeks I started to uncover what was truly going on behind the scenes. But little did I know, I was about to dive head first into this black hole called “Heroin.” I use the term black hole because that’s exactly what it is. You start by peaking into the unknown, telling yourself at any moment you can stand up and run home. Never do you imagine yourself falling so far down, with nothing to hold on to- no one to call out too for help. You’re just free falling—and then everything goes black.

Ever since I was a little girl my favorite movie has always been Alice in Wonderland. It’s ironic that this experience felt a lot like the plot of my favorite childhood movie. I was just a young girl, curious about the world around me. Curious of that black hole, and once I fell down, I was lost, Just wanting to get home. The first time I tried heroin was out of spite, Out of anger and sadness.  I didn’t understand why Walter couldn’t quit. I’ll never forget that night. I was crying and so upset, I locked myself in the bathroom of our apartment (where I found another stash hidden) and told Walter, “If you think this is okay to do to yourself, then you can watch what it does to me.” It sounds so stupid now, I know. But that’s where I was. I was watching someone I cared for throw his life away. And for a second I thought maybe I could change his life. But the only life I changed that night was my own. It took me one time… one small line of brown powder, and I was hooked.

I convinced myself that everything was fine, I mean I wasn’t shooting the stuff up… that’s what the “real addicts do,” right? No. that’s where people are highly mistaken; Just because you don’t have track marks on your arm doesn’t make you any better than the dope head sitting next to you nodding off, with a needle in his vein. I just happen to be a little queasy around needles, so I never went that route. i would say four months in to this addiction I found myself living a double life. I quit answering phone calls, I quit going home to see my parents, I shut myself off from the people I loved most. Because these are the people that can see through me, and I knew if I were to be around them they would know something was wrong. I was ashamed of who I was, I was ashamed of the person I had become. I never went a day without this drug for over a year.

I went through my worst set of withdraws one night and I swear it’s like your own personal hell. I sat in the passenger seat of my car kicking in my dashboard and pleading to God “Please just make all of this go away.” I called numerous rehabs hoping to find one that would take my insurance. But of course they wouldn’t take insurance and I felt hopeless. I felt as if the rest of my life would be dedicated to this drug. I was so angry with myself, I was so angry with God. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me, he wasn’t helping me. I needed him, I needed him to save me because I couldn’t save myself.

Walter and I drove that morning to pick up another sack of heroin. I had been withdrawing for about 14 hours at this point. We got it, opened the bag up and poured some out on my center consul. I remember picking up that dollar bill and feeling the drugs enter my body. I took a huge gulp of blue Gatorade to get the discussing taste out of my mouth and then everything went black.

I Knew Who I Was This Morning, But I’ve Changed a Few Times Since Then

 I think about how quickly things have changed for me,
But that’s the personality of change, isn’t it ?
When its slow, its called growth;
When its fast, its called change.
& God,
How things change:
Something’s,
Nothings,
Anything’s,
Everything’s…
All The Things Change….

You want something so much right now– A job, a relationship, or an achievement of some kind- that you are pretending you don’t want it at all. while that may seem counter-intuitive to other people, to you this is a way to stave off disappointment if your venture doesn’t work out. You would do better though if you would allow yourself to feel your passion and to pour yourself into your goal. that way, you can gain confidence from knowing you’re trying as hard as you possibly can.

You have asked the universe for certain blessings for so long that you can probably recite your requests by heart. Even so, you have yet to receive the blessings that are most important to you. Or, could it be that your idea of bliss keeps changing, and your requests along with it? You can have what you want and need, but you first have to know what you want and need for sure. and then you have to open your arms and accept what is sent to you.

You are the author of your own story. If you’re stuck on the same page, remember that at any moment, you have the power to write a new chapter. with that being said; If all of your prayers were answered, would it change the world? Or just yours?

• Sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream no one can see but you.

“An Open Letter To My Baby Seester”#RoyalT

Oh seester,

When I heard the news…

Your mom sent me a text to come down stairs; I thought to myself, “great, what have I done now.” I’ve been trying to remember to lock the doors behind me when I leave, and I think I swept the salon floor the last time I was down there?… But I forget things, and living at home isn’t always easy for any of us.

I walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed where dad and Cassie were lying. 

“We got you a present!”

Well I love presents! But I knew something was off, it was written all over their faces. No one in this family can keep a secret, but I went along with it. Cassie handed me a small gift, wrapped in paper and all. Cassie loves giving presents; I think she was more excited than I was to be honest. I ripped off the paper to find a green St. Patrick’s Day bib…Well we were in the middle of July, and St.Patrick’s day wasn’t for another eight months…

The first thought than ran through my head was, “maybe were going on a family vacation and this is to wear while funneling beer?” Cassie was always a great funneling partner and witty enough to do something like this. But of course, that wasn’t the case at all. I flipped it over and read the words “My 1^st St. Patrick’s Day”

“You’re going to have a brother or sister!” they kind of looked at me with hesitation, not really sure of how I would take the news. I was however, an only child for 25 years. And not only were they bringing a baby into the world, but I was living under the same roof! Were they going to kick me out? Where do they expect me to go? I understand I’m 25 years old, but rent is a lot of commitment that I’m just not ready to make.

Well they didn’t kick me out of the house… they just kicked me out of my bedroom. Dad was so nervous to ask me too switch rooms. He invited me to go to dinner with him one night, just the two of us. And once again, I’m nervous he’s about to tell me i need to find somewhere to live. I’m thinking to myself “he knows I don’t do well with roommates, we’ve been down this path, and it’s only going to be a headache for the both of us when this goes south.”

Well He’s nervous, and I’m nervous; so to calm our nerves we ordered a pitcher of margaritas. Thank God they were strong. I laughed to myself when he told me they wanted to use my bedroom for the nursery, due to the size and tall ceiling. “Sure! Go right ahead!” Ill move my belongings down the hall. –What a relief that was “check please!”

I have to admit, I wanted a brother. What was I going to do with a sister? Yet, here we are, you’re almost a year old and I’ve gotta say… What in the hell would I do with a brother? The moment I met you, my entire life changed. You know, you almost didn’t make it. We prayed and we prayed and God listened to our prayers. As you laid in NICU I snuck in to see you one night. No one was allowed in, but that wasn’t going to stop me. i snuck pass some nurses and hid behind a wall until the coast was clear. I sat with you and talked to you as you squeezed my finger so tight. I remember telling you that “Whitfield’s aren’t quitters, “something my dad (our dad) implanted in my head over the years. And you stood true to your name. You held on, and you came home.

So my black and white room switched to purple and silver, the boat changed from Miss Courtney to Tinsley Mae, and I passed my crown down to your tiny little head.

And through all of these changes, you’ve taught me how to be selfless. You’ve taught me how to love unconditionally and you’ve filled my heart with more love and more joy than I ever could have imagined. In a way, you saved me. In a way, I think you saved us all.

All I could think about when you came into this world, was what I was going to be able teach you. I’ve made so many mistakes over the years, i was so worried about the responsibility of being a role model to you. But I never imagined that you would be the one teaching me. So thank you.

 I love you more than you’ll ever know. And always remember;

To keep your head held high princess; if not, your tiara will fall ❤

“Put On Some Lipstick & Live A Little”

It wouldn’t be fair for me to continue this blog without paying respect to the person who led me here. This is a very touchy subject for me and i assume for many of you who will be reading. I hope i don’t step on too many toes along the way, however; this is my story. this is my journey… this is my miracle. and this is my tribute to a dear, dear friend.

When talking about religion & beliefs i want to start by saying; I’ve always believed in God, in a higher power. But i wasn’t raised in a church, i wasn’t taught to say the blessing before dinner, and prayer to me was screaming “Please God” when slamming on the breaks because i wasn’t paying attention to car in front of me…

After losing a special friend from high school, that belief system started to shift… it didn’t happen over night- it didn’t happen in a couple of months… it took about 4 years. When Tim died it was devastating for us all… were talking about someone who literally LIT up a room every time he walked through the door. Someone who loved life no matter how hard life treated him. Someone who ran around telling us all to “Live a Little” there was just something special about this guy.. but i had no idea just how special he would continue to be in my life after his passing.

After Tim’s death i have to say… Life went on for me. Every individual grieves different and i hope that doesn’t sound harsh. but its true. i never went to visit his grave site, i never reached out to his family or friends. i just went on with life. I then somewhere along the way got caught up in the harsh reality of the world, dabbled in things i had no business touching. and wahla!, before i knew it i was addicted to heroin. (that’s a whole different blog post)

Luckily my addiction only lasted a year. but my God; did it feel like an eternity. but within that ONE year i overdosed not only once, but twice. i wish i could tell you i saw “the light” or spoke to God one on one. but honestly i don’t remember. what i do know is that the paramedic that saved my life the first go round, had the name Tim. and what i do know is that, i had angels on my side who wouldn’t let me join them just yet. It wasn’t my time

I’m going to share a journal entry that i wrote on 5/28/2016- This was my letter to Tim

“After a terrible day at work i couldn’t go home… not like this, not with my anxiety. i needed someone to talk too. Someone to listen and understand what’s happening to me. As i was driving i noticed the license plate of the car in front of me. PTN1113; TN111 was all i could focus on.

So here i am Tim, sitting in front of your grave. I’m so sorry i haven’t been here to see you sooner. it was too hard. i miss you so much, the long talks we used to have, the way no one understood our relationship but us, i miss your smile the most.

I’ve changed so much since the last time i saw you. things are changing everyday; I’m changing everyday. I’m not sure if you have anything to do with what’s going on in my life at the moment, but i know your with me. i want to keep connecting with my angels, i want to connect with you. i need you to know how important this is to me. my mind has recently been opened to this new understanding of the world around me. its the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I’m so thankful for all I’ve been given and I’m opening my heart to this journey, I’m giving GOD every piece of me that i have to give.

I got this bracelet in Colorado last week, you’re supposed to make a wish when you put it on. i want to leave it here with you Tim. in hopes that it might somehow connect us. my wish is that you can help me communicate with my angels on a level i haven’t experienced. i want to communicate with God on a deeper level.

Thank you for getting me here today, i promise to be back soon. thank you for always reminding me to “Live a Little.” I love you

I then noticed a beautiful butterfly flying over me, within seconds it landed on my knee, i have no idea how i was able to capture these photos but it makes total sense to me now. i was meant to share them with my readers. i then went home to find a package at my door step; some makeup i ordered for work. i opened the box and hit the ground crying. a large white card was the only thing i could see… with big black bold words;

“Put on some lipstick & Live a Little.”

Tim led me here. to follow my dreams of writing, to serve my life purpose– To take my experiences and share them with the world, to share them with you. He always told me not to care what anyone thinks, or what anyone has to say. he taught me the meaning of self love and the meaning of life. We are on this earth to serve a purpose and to help one another. The things we do here on earth carry on once were gone. He’s been my angel in the walking life and in his current life. I’ve walked the realm and I’ve experienced things I’m not really even sure how to explain, but the veil is thin; and if I’ve learned anything over the past year its this… We are ALL capable of receiving messages from our loved ones who have crossed over, we just have to be open to the process.

Look for the signs, look for the blessings. and except them.

Love is universal. Love is endless. Love is what makes the world go round ❤

 

 

Maybe that makes me driftwood…

“Stop calling yourself a failure. There are planets and stars in your eyes, and there are fires and oceans in your veins. your head is a forest, your heart is a meadow, and you my child.. you are a work of art.”

Its funny how people can make you feel less of a person, less of a human, less of yourself. we spend so much time looking to others for acceptance that we forget God is the only one who can judge us…

I’ve been labeled many things; a tornado, a mistake, a mess and a blessing. but why do these labels put such an imprint into our minds? into our hearts… its bizarre to me that we come into this walking life not knowing much of anything… we watch the way the world spins around us and we copy. that’s what we do. we copy.

We copy our mom saying “mama” we copy our dad saying “dada” we copy Elmo singing the alphabet and we copy barney saying “I love you.” we copy all these things and call it “learning.” and if you don’t learn these things in a timely manner your labeled. your labeled; slow, dumb, off beat…stupid.

Well, I’ve been off beat my entire life. I’ve also been labeled my entire life; by people who measure up to no one better than myself. and ill admit it- I label these people as well. i label them,”bullies.” these are people who told me I would never go anywhere in life, I would never make anything of myself, I would never be taken seriously. I would always be a failure…

I laugh to myself now every time I think about it. as I watch through tiny squares on social media; at the reality of these “bullies” and how I once believed them when they told me I was nothing. because I am everything. I am everything God needs me to be, i am everything the universe calls upon me. I am everything to everyone who matters in my life.

We should never listen to another persons opinion, we should never play by the rules, we should never copy another persons way of life, and we should never try to march to anyone else’s beat but our own. I’ve spent my entire life being misunderstood, mistreated and judged. but one things for certain… i am who i am; and I’ve never apologized for that. and maybe that makes me driftwood… but maybe; that makes me my own person. for who wants to be anchored to anything?

I was fine this morning… #MyBattleWithAnxiety

The world stops spinning but I ask myself, “Why doesn’t everyone around me stop too?” Can’t they see the blood dripping from my fingers? It’s so unlady like, you know? Too chew on your nails. To pick at your cuticles until there’s nothing left… Fuck; “my fingers are going to be so sore tomorrow” I say to myself. But my hands keep shaking, my mind keeps racing. Who in the fuck cares about my nails? They can’t even tell I’m breaking down inside, right here- right now- in this moment. Who am I to think that anyone cares about my nails? But I need to get back to work now; it’s only 12:00, so Ill switch to my lip. I always prefer the left side of my lip to chew on. Maybe it’s the way my teeth are shaped; I always get a better grip on the left side. This probably wouldn’t be an issue if I would have gotten braces all those years ago. Teeth should be even, teeth should be perfect. I should be able to chew on either side of my bottom lip and it should feel the same… “I should have gotten braces.”

I was fine this morning, I woke up happy after a good night’s sleep. Took a hot shower and kissed my boyfriend good-bye. I got to work and had some cereal… but thank God I didn’t make that cup of coffee. I didn’t know this was going to happen, but my God… With the way my hearts pounding, to the sound of its own version of a Metallica song… Coffee would have been the death of me.

Maybe I should feed it. Water it. But doesn’t that help things grow? I would rather hide under a rock than face anyone at the drive through window. McDonalds always gets my order wrong. Weather they give me a diet coke instead of a regular coke, or put fucking onions on my burger. They always get it wrong. And I can see it now; taking a sip out of that large Styrofoam cup just to realize that once again, everything in life is WRONG. It would send me too tears on a day like today. It would send me over the God damn edge. Excuse my language… It’s just that, once you hit this level of anxiety words don’t seem to matter anymore, people don’t seem to matter anymore. The way you make people feel doesn’t matter anymore. NOTHING matters. It’s you and your anxiety, and that asshole will be the only one in it for the long haul.

Maybe that’s the reason we hold on so tight to the fears in our head and the hurt in our hearts. Because we’re use to them, we know pain better than we know our next door neighbor. We know fear better than we know our own best friend. We also know that people come and people go, and the thought of losing control over a situation is too much for someone like me (Someone like us). I need perfection in everything I do; I need to be in control of the world around me, so that when a day like today comes… I’m ready. I’m prepared. I’m one step ahead of the game…

But I’m never ahead of the game; quite frankly, I’m usually two steps behind. And that’s okay, because the more I continue to learn about MY anxiety (and everyone’s is different), is that when my ears start to ring and my body begins to tremble, the only person in control is ME. Some days I might have it more together than others and some days I might question “WHY ME, GOD?” but I always get the same answer… usually its hours later when my mind has settled flat and I’m lying in bed, exhausted from the marathon I just ran in my head… but I always get the same answer; “Because you can handle it.” And so I do… I handle it.

With my sore fingers I begin to pick up the mess I’ve made, I glue my pieces back together and I face the world. The same world I believed to be so cruel, and so mean. And though most of the time it’s hard to make eye contact, I just stop and think to myself, “I love you.” and that’s what gets me through.

“I love you.” That’s the hardest thing for someone like me (someone like us) to say to ourselves. But the more you say it, the more you believe it. And the more you believe it, the more you start to realize why this mental illness was given to YOU. Because you’re a fighter, and you wake up every single fucking day, not knowing what the world will throw at you. But you wake up. And you live to fight another day. And let me tell you something… that is fucking beautiful. YOU are beautiful.  You’re one of Gods toughest soldiers… So when you’re battling whatever it may be, that makes you forget who you are… just remember, you’re not alone. You never were.