My Dance With The Devil #Heroin

When I was first introduced to heroin it was by my boyfriend at the time. We will just call him “Walter.” I wasn’t aware of his drug use prior to moving in, but as time went on I started to catch on, and within weeks I started to uncover what was truly going on behind the scenes. But little did I know, I was about to dive head first into this black hole called “Heroin.” I use the term black hole because that’s exactly what it is. You start by peaking into the unknown, telling yourself at any moment you can stand up and run home. Never do you imagine yourself falling so far down, with nothing to hold on to- no one to call out too for help. You’re just free falling—and then everything goes black.

Ever since I was a little girl my favorite movie has always been Alice in Wonderland. It’s ironic that this experience felt a lot like the plot of my favorite childhood movie. I was just a young girl, curious about the world around me. Curious of that black hole, and once I fell down, I was lost, Just wanting to get home. The first time I tried heroin was out of spite, Out of anger and sadness.  I didn’t understand why Walter couldn’t quit. I’ll never forget that night. I was crying and so upset, I locked myself in the bathroom of our apartment (where I found another stash hidden) and told Walter, “If you think this is okay to do to yourself, then you can watch what it does to me.” It sounds so stupid now, I know. But that’s where I was. I was watching someone I cared for throw his life away. And for a second I thought maybe I could change his life. But the only life I changed that night was my own. It took me one time… one small line of brown powder, and I was hooked.

I convinced myself that everything was fine, I mean I wasn’t shooting the stuff up… that’s what the “real addicts do,” right? No. that’s where people are highly mistaken; Just because you don’t have track marks on your arm doesn’t make you any better than the dope head sitting next to you nodding off, with a needle in his vein. I just happen to be a little queasy around needles, so I never went that route. i would say four months in to this addiction I found myself living a double life. I quit answering phone calls, I quit going home to see my parents, I shut myself off from the people I loved most. Because these are the people that can see through me, and I knew if I were to be around them they would know something was wrong. I was ashamed of who I was, I was ashamed of the person I had become. I never went a day without this drug for over a year.

I went through my worst set of withdraws one night and I swear it’s like your own personal hell. I sat in the passenger seat of my car kicking in my dashboard and pleading to God “Please just make all of this go away.” I called numerous rehabs hoping to find one that would take my insurance. But of course they wouldn’t take insurance and I felt hopeless. I felt as if the rest of my life would be dedicated to this drug. I was so angry with myself, I was so angry with God. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me, he wasn’t helping me. I needed him, I needed him to save me because I couldn’t save myself.

Walter and I drove that morning to pick up another sack of heroin. I had been withdrawing for about 14 hours at this point. We got it, opened the bag up and poured some out on my center consul. I remember picking up that dollar bill and feeling the drugs enter my body. I took a huge gulp of blue Gatorade to get the discussing taste out of my mouth and then everything went black.

One red light- that’s how far Walter got before looking over at me, to find my face blue, my eyes shut, and I was making funny noises with my throat. Walter described the sounds as if I were drowning, gasping for air. Not even a full minute from when that drug entered my system, and I was dead. That’s what people don’t understand about this drug. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it, all it takes is that ONE time, and your life is over.

I woke up in the backseat of my boyfriend’s mom’s car. She had come to meet us in the parking lot of where he had pulled over. They laid me in the back of her car until the ambulance arrived. I woke up confused and foggy; I thought I had been in a car wreck.  I didn’t know where I was, how I got there, or what happened. The ambulance had shot me up with narcan; after probably 20 minutes of being lifeless, within seconds I was back.

God answered my prayers that day. I was taken to the hospital where my family came to join me; they didn’t know what to say or how to act. I was throwing up, my memory was all over the place. I didn’t even know what to say to them. I just laid there. My mom and step dad were at my apartment gathering all of my belongings while my dad and stepmom were speaking to the nurses and helping me talk with a psychiatrist. They brought me home that night. The date was 11/19All I ever wanted to do was come home.

For two weeks I laid in my room going through withdraws. Cold sweats, restless legs, vomiting, sharp pains running through my body. I got up a hand full of times within those two weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink anything, I just wanted to sleep but that would make it all too easy. It’s impossible to sleep. I was on lockdown. My dad took away my phone; my car was parked at my moms. I had no way out and being that my dad lives in a gated community, he made sure that no one had a way in. my mom would drive over to my dad’s to bathe me… yes that’s right. I couldn’t even take a shower on my own. The water felt like a thousand knives stabbing me in every inch of my body.

When the pain got the worst of me I remember trying to leave. My dad wrestled me to the ground as I beat the shit out of him. There was nothing easy about this process, for any of us. My parents had to be strong when I couldn’t and I thank them for that. When you’re an addict you think everyone is your enemy, but in the long run they’re the ones saving your life.

I stayed clean for about two months. Until I didn’t;

The next time I did heroin I overdosed, a second time. The date was 1/06

I don’t even like to talk about this day because it was just plain dumb. Why I would ever touch the stuff again is beyond me. But I did. And here we are.

My stepmom did CPR on me for over 30 minutes waiting for an ambulance to show up. I woke up on my bedroom floor after being shot up with narcan (again) with nothing but regret and disgust. But through that relapse I found myself again. I didn’t know who I wanted to be or where I wanted to go. I did however know who I didn’t want to be and where I didn’t want to go. And that was one of two options. Dead or in jail. I picked up the pieces of my life that day and GREW THE HELL UP. Not many people get a second chance at life, they defiantly don’t get a third. I was one of the lucky ones which is why I’m sharing my story.

I wouldn’t wish this disease on my worst enemy and i wish I could take the needle from an addicts arm and make them realize what a beautiful world they have waiting for them. But its up to them, and you cant help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It’s a tough uphill battle but its worth it. I look back at those two weeks I spent in bed getting clean of this drug, and although it was hell… it was TWO weeks.

The important thing to remember once you get clean is to change your surroundings, cut off all people that use. I don’t care if they are your best friends, cut them off. And get your life back. And in time, you will inspire others to do the same. THAT’S what a friend is. That’s what taking control of your life is. You deserve it. You’re worth it.

You’re always ONE decision away from a totally different life.


 

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414 thoughts on “My Dance With The Devil #Heroin

  1. All I can say is I didn’t know. I guess I put on blinders and just didn’t want to know the truth. My son was extremely over weight and very self conscious about his appearance. He had very few friends. Then, one day, he started introducing me to new friends, he started losing weight and seemed happy for the first time in a long time! I was blind. I guess I didn’t see how fast the weight was coming off, how a 16 year old boy suddenly went from being 220 lbs. to 140. How his skin was turning grey and his arms were picked apart. He wore long sleeves constantly. He started to get aggitated with me a lot and than staying nights at friends houses a lot. By 17 he had been expelled from school for the last time and moved in with his girlfriend, who also seemed extremely thin. That was 10 years ago. Three years ago he got clean, met a nice girl and had a daughter, I wish the story ended there. He didn’t want kids. He was “stressed and frustrated” using his words , and started disappearing for hours at a time. It wasn’t long before I started to see that look again. An old ghost come to haunt me! Hailey turned 2 March 26th. Her dad is in jail; possession of drugs and paraphinalia and an unanswered warrant. Hailey and her mom are now in another state. We video chat when we can, but I miss them so much. I went to see my son the other day. He’s so happy he’s in jail now, away from all temptation, but he’s also very scared, scared for his future, about wanting to be in his daughter’s life, and about not wanting to be “that dad”, the one that is never there. Your story touched me. You were saved! God has a purpose for you and I have no doubt you will find it! Thank you for being there for others, so that they can read your story and maybe seek help. God bless you!

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  2. As i sit here and read your story it gives me hope, my husband has been battling with heroin …. Its been 9 years …. Hea gone to 4 diffrent rehabs and even jail … We have 3 children together and i just cant seem to leave. Not even when he od with at the time my 3 year old and 8 year old in the car! My 8 year old called 911 and they where able to save his life. I have done a number of cpr on him, he has over dosed i dont even know how many times, and i feel like hes had is angle watching over him …. Long story short he is now in prison serving 4 years … Leaving me and our childreb behind to work out life in the ” outside” world …. Im still hopeful for him …. I have aince forgave him … It wasnt the man i fell in lolve with. It was the drug the addiction …. Again thank you for sharing ur story.

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  3. I thing every addiction is a dance with the devil. I am an alcoholic and benzo addict, and lucky for me, I have always made it to detox before having seizures or the D/Ts. Addiction is hell. Kudos to you for coming out the other side alive (but the beast always lurks within, ready to strike – as my girlfriend has said many times, “It’s a great life if you don’t weaken.”)

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  4. All of your stories are eye-openers and I’m glad many of you or your loved ones got the help that you needed. I knew a woman who was so desperate for heroin that she sold her body over and over for the drug to drug dealers. I’m glad she recovered and gained back the weight she lost (45 pounds down to like 98 pounds). It was scary for her parents, really scary. I hope to never know a parent that has a kid with this nasty addiction, it affects everybody around them.

    What I don’t understand is, that’s all it takes is one line and your hooked? I never want to touch the stuff, but I was curious as to what that first line makes you feel like that makes a person so addicted. Can someone please fill me in, because I never knew one line of any drug would get a person hooked.

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    1. Its a chemical unbalance in your brain.. Addicts are born with it. It’s really a disease and when you take that first hit, it awakens the beast. It takes over your mind and body… Makes you do thinga you never said you would just because your withdrawing that day.. You’ll do anything just to feel better again. It’s horrible. I wish i never tried a drug in my life, but i did. It went on for years and now im clean and the mother of a 4 month old beautiful baby girl and I will stay clean for her. She deserves a sober, fully present mother.

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    2. It makes you feel energized, everything is better everything. Then it calms you and its like a euphoria. Nothing and nobody messes your mood up. You feel like a super human. You feel normal you feel happy and like everything is perfect. N when you start to go down all you do is a bit more n your right back in that place again…. Then fallowing a perfect day you get the best sleep ofyour life…. Until its gone. Its sick. I hate that i loved it so much…. But life is way better with out it.

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  5. Congrats on your sobriety! Its a hard road but you did it! Keep making people aware of this disease! God will use your pain and experience to save lives!

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  6. It feels like love. Have ever been so in love with a person that you literally couldn’t imagine your life without them? You couldn’t imagine spending even a minute of your day without them because you’re just so engulfed in their love, well that’s what herion makes you feel like. When you try a delicious new food, something you’ve never tasted before and it’s like fireworks going off in your mouth and stomach? Thats what herion feels like. Although for me I did herion for years (not everyday) and never got addicted to it over a period of 6 years. Im defiently very very very BLESSED but after I gave birth to my child, I got addicted INSTANTLY to the pain pills they gave me. Its really funny how much a womens body changes after having a child, but I think god did it to help me change and Get my life together because i was basically an addict without the addicted part. I left all of my family behind and changed everything about myself but I did all of that for love, real love with my my boyfriend at the time. He was an addict and I loved him more than life itsself and I would do LITERALLY anything for him to love me back like i loved him (because drugs were his first love) and I sure the hell did. I almost ruined my entire life for an addict who only loved and cared for his drugs. He never wanted to change or get his life together. I still pray for him everyday.

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  7. Thank you for finding the courage to share your story. It is individuals like you who give individuals like me and my son hope.

    May God bless you each and every day.

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