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Anxiety\ anxiously waiting for the storm
My Monday afternoon anxiety attack.
Raw & unedited.
I have a lump in my throat and my body is shaking out of control, I’m shivering all while sweat is dripping from my hair line, I just want to let these tears fall from my eyes but I’m holding them back which is making it even more difficult to breathe. My hands are cold and my body is tired but my mind wont rest, not even for a second. Something is wrong. I can feel this negative energy casting over me like a dark cloud on a rainy day. I just want to let my tears fall like rain, so at least I know I will be able to fall asleep after the storm passes and my eyes are too heavy to hold.
I just want to break down these four walls that I am stuck inside of, the ones that are caving in on me more and more with every second that passes. Something is wrong. Something is going on. Someone is misleading me, someone is lying, someone is talking bad about me, and someone is out to hurt me. I should run away like I always do. shut myself out from the world, that way no one can touch me, no one can affect me, nothing can get to me. I’ll sit alone in my room and write in my journal, pretending that I’m happy when in fact I am just lonely. I’m tired and I’m lonely from being so alone. But at least by being alone no one can make me feel this way again.
The phone keeps ringing and I should probably answer it, it could make me feel better talking to someone, maybe calm me down. But my voice is too shaky and my hands are too weak to even hold a phone. Nothing has even happened but everything feels wrong and by everything I mean my world has shifted from a rainbow to a black ink stain. Nothing has even happened but I know its coming, I can feel it. I just need to get out of my head. I just need to feel the sun touch my heart but I am so anxiously waiting for the storm, its brewing inside and I know once it’s over this will all feel so dramatic. Ill apologize a million times for the way my brain operates and for how emotional I was. Then I’ll be embarrassed for the next few days, get shy, and want to skip a chunk of time so this attack isn’t so fresh in my head.
I just hope this is a quick storm, I just want to breathe normal again.
3am Thinking
Dear Heroin,
Dear Heroin,
This is where we say good-bye. The hardest goodbye I will probably ever say.
I want to start by saying thank you. Thank you for always being there when I needed you most, for never leaving my side, for being the most constant thing that’s ever entered my life. No matter what I was going through you were always there. My relationship with you felt more real than anything I’ve ever experienced.
You were the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before bed.
You made my demons disappear- Demons I’ve been fighting for years.
My own personal hero… But even heroes have a dark side
I would have walked this earth for you. Cheat, steal, lie, and lower myself worth… Yet everyday you were stealing from me. You were stealing my life. Everyday getting closer to my death… and you thought you had me there a couple of times. But I beat you, and I will continue to beat you.
(Written in 2015 after my second overdose)
You took the fight out of me for sometime… but you see, I’ve got it back now, and I won’t let you control where my life goes. I won’t let you ruin one more relationship. I’ve seen how you work; the way you sneak up and steal mind bodies and souls. I’ve seen the way you can turn a colorful world to black and white. The way you make dreams and ambitions disappear.
You’ve taken so many loved ones from me and you’ve ripped love from right under my nose.
You should know I don’t blame you for the path I chose. It’s not your fault I wanted you so close.
I will mourn you along with the beautiful souls you’ve stolen from me. But I will never regret meeting you because now I see how beautiful life truly is. I want to spend the rest of my days laughing, loving and finally living.
So thank you for coming into my life when I needed you most. & thank you for making it so easy for me to let you go.
I am finally at peace; Peace that not even you could give me.
Please stop showing up in my nightmares and let me go
It’s time we both let go…
Sincerely, Courtney
SELF STORAGE
As I was driving through Atlanta the other day I noticed an adorable building to the right of me, a storage unit full of character, bold in its color. I sat there for a minute waiting for the light to turn green, completely zoned out and exhausted from traffic; I couldn’t quit staring at this building. The words “Self Storage” got me thinking… what is it that we “Self-Store?”
I labeled each door in my mind as the light switched to green, the words memories, failure, talent, and Self Love came to mind, and as I dug a little deeper into these subjects I ultimately came up with one word, Fear. Everything we bottle up internally or emotionally, always comes back to our fears.
We each fear something, probably more than one specific thing…
but we each fear something.
Crying Out for Help #Heroin
My recent article on #heroin “My Dance with the Devil,” went viral with as many as 729,485 views and counting. I am blown away with the response I’ve gotten and emotionally torn as well. This is a GREAT thing, this is a POSITIVE thing, however; I am only a 25 year old girl. Juggling a full time reception job Monday through Friday and being a hairstylist and makeup artist Friday through Sunday. I’m just a young girl trying to make it in this world after crawling back up that black hole “#Heroin” I leave my word press open in the background and try to respond too as many emails as I possibly can while working, then I go home at night and feel guilty about the ones I can’t get too.
”What if that ONE person, who reached out to me, dies tomorrow and I could have said something to save them? ” that’s the way my mind works; if you’ve read my other piece on “My Battle with Anxiety” you would somewhat know the thoughts that scatter throughout my head. I over think, I analyze; I criticize myself more than anyone else ever could. (Typical Virgo) This is probably a good thing, because if one more person tells me I misspelled a word… Lol. I KNOW YOU GUYS. I should have used spell-check. 😉
It weighs heavy on my heart because initially, I wrote this piece for myself. I wrote it on my lunch break one day, minimizing the screen as my coworkers walked by. I wrote this piece because I was sick and tired of walking into a room full of old friends, and new ones as well, not knowing if they are aware of my prior drug use. I was sick and tired of wondering, if they did happen to know, just how much of it was the truth. I was sick and tired of over thinking and over analyzing what people thought about me. But then something beautiful happened. No one really criticized me at all, no one truly judged me, no one really cared at the end of the day that I used the wrong use of “you’re,” but ME. No one really cared at the end of the day, that I had a problem with Heroin, but ME.
I have called my mom in tears multiple times since putting that piece out for the world to see, these were tears of happiness though, these were tears of “WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED” I tell her how overwhelming it all is, because like I said, this thing has gone viral. I share with her that I fell bad not being able to communicate one on one with my readers. But I have over 700 emails in my inbox, and I work close to 6-7 days a week, and juggle a relationship on top of it all.
My other worry is that, this entire thing is going to die down, because let’s be honest. All things at some point come to an end. Even Kim Kardashian’s views die down when her sister Kylie post a picture in the same bathing suit. My point here is that, even though this article will fade away with the rest, the epidemic of heroin will not. Not unless we single handedly step up as a family, as a community, as a country and reach out to those suffering in silence. I appreciate all the kind words from everyone telling me I was brave to put my story out there, but my goal is to get the next addict to put their story out there. I encourage the mother that just lost her child to write HER testimony, the son who just watched his father fade away in front of his eyes, write HIS testimony.
I’ve been asked to speak in churches, or small groups, or NA meetings etc. which I am open too. But I want to point out that we live in a world where social media takes up 75 percent of most people’s day. I also want to point out that as an addict I didn’t go to meetings, I wasn’t going to church, and I sure as hell wasn’t listening to anyone who told me to do these things. I was however, throughout my entire addiction, ON SOCIAL MEDIA. So write your story and post it on your wall, start a blog, do whatever you need to do, just TALK ABOUT IT in a way that is going to reach people. The best part is, its something people can go back to and read over and over again.
Words are powerful, words speak to the heart, and words hit home in a way a bouquet of flowers do not. Words make people feel. And believe me, I know they are hard to write, but words also help us HEAL. They help us let it out. They help us let go of pain. They help us grow. And I will tell you right now, I don’t care which use of “your, you’re, you R, or UR “-You use. I don’t care if you write five run on sentences and put comas after every other word. JUST WRITE. Because as scared as I was to open up and be judged even in the slightest bit, I’ve overcome that fear with only ONE post. Imagine the fears you can overcome.
I also encourage you guys to get on my Word press and read ONE comment coming from my fellow addicts across not just our country, but all over the world. If you could reach out to at least ONE person and tell them you will pray for them, or give them the name of a facility in their area if you know of one. I have people asking about suboxone and rehabs which I know NOTHING about. I didn’t go to rehab; I didn’t use suboxone so these are questions I cannot answer. But many of you may be able to fill in those blanks for me.
I’m in tears right now as I finish this piece, because the stories i have heard have touched my heart to the core. The love of families being destroyed by a DRUG. My story had a happy ending, but the hundreds of people I’ve spoken with didn’t get that same happy ending. And the other hundreds are reaching out asking me for help. And now I am asking YOU for help. For the first time in my life I AM ASKING FOR HELP. Help me guys. And to the readers I know personally, from school, my friends, or other individuals my age. I want you to think about something real quick. If we don’t step up and lend a hand NOW, it’s going to be OUR children we bury.
- Lets help one another LIVE A LITTLE, ya?
- If you’re going in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns 🙏🏼🦋
Healing With 2016
2016 was big for me;
2016 was full of so many different emotions, life lessons, and out of this world experiences. I say out of this world but honestly, they all happened within me. 2016 broke me, it pushed me down and then it took me by the hand and helped me back up. 2016 led me down a dark and unknown path; it let me get lost in the mysteries of the universe and then it showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. 2016 started with heartache and loss, and then it brought me new love and new beginnings. But you see; the biggest lesson that 2016 taught me is that no matter what challenges you’re faced with, they are happening to you for a reason. They are happening to you because they are supposed to be happening to you. The challenges you face are not here to punish you or to destroy you, they are here to challenge you, help you grow and push past negativity.
I was so convinced for all this time that I would live this mundane life, filled with loving people and a great family, sure… But I wanted something more. I wanted something so far out of reach that I didn’t even know what it was I yearned for. My whole life I’ve felt out of place, on a different wave length. But I didn’t know why. I never knew what it was in the back of my head that hungered for madness, for discovery, for more… I found myself over the years studying the afterlife, where do we go when we die? What happens to us? I couldn’t walk this earth without knowing there’s something more out there. But over the past year I’ve dove head first into this topic, into the unknown. I’ve seen psychics, I’ve studied their ways. I’ve taught myself the art of tarot, I’ve read numerous books on angel therapy, on how to receive messages from the other side. I’ve been completely blown away by the art of numerology; I’ve taught myself the art of astrology, relative positions of celestial bodies. I’ve learned the difference between looking at the stars and looking into the stars to see what the universe has in store for me. I’ve studied dream interpretations, started more journals than i even know what to do with. i found myself obsessed over these topics.
- Through all of this studying and practicing I’ve learned how to use the positioning of our planets, to better myself and remind myself, that through every struggle leads to a new chapter of self discovery. I’ve learned to let go of people, places, and things that no longer serve me. This hasn’t been an easy process though. I’ve had to dive deep into my past, and deep within my soul to figure out what it is, that I needed to confront and face in order to move forward on a positive and uplifting path.
I’ve had to invite the monsters out from under my bed and more importantly, the ones in my head, to come out and play. I had to make peace with every part of whom I am and who I aspire to be. It took many nights of being alone, with nothing but a pen and paper, it took alienation. Some nights were darker than others and some nights were just plain magical.
- The process of healing is just that; a process. But what we benefit from learning about ourselves is so much greater than we can imagine. It’s what we’re here for. It’s what we were born to do. I asked my psychic what she sees for my future when reading me. She smiled and said; “Creating something beyond your wildest imagination, from all the pain you’ve experienced.” That was the highlighting moment of my 2016. That was the moment I knew all of the work I’ve put in, was finally going to pay off. That’s the moment i knew God had a plan when he threw me so many curve balls over the years.
Healing is about perspective and how you choose to see things. It’s about silencing the mind and opening the heart. It’s about letting go and accepting new blessings. Healing is about losing yourself in order to find yourself. Healing is about finding your own happiness and never letting one person or one bad experience take that happiness away. It’s coming out of the darkness and seeing the world in a brand new light.
- No, it’s not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and dedication. It takes believing in yourself and talking to God every step of the way. It takes faith and forgiveness, putting your ego aside and realizing we are all on different paths in life. Some paths may be longer than others, some might have more forks in the road but were all traveling in the same direction and reaching for the same destination; happiness.
So I hope you find your happiness in 2017 and every year after that- I hope you reach into your heart and love with every ounce you have. & I hope you chase your dreams no matter how far out of reach they may seem. And overall I hope you find magic.
Happy new year yall- its going to be beautiful.
My Dance With The Devil #Heroin
When I was first introduced to heroin it was by my boyfriend at the time. We will just call him “Walter.” I wasn’t aware of his drug use prior to moving in, but as time went on I started to catch on, and within weeks I started to uncover what was truly going on behind the scenes. But little did I know, I was about to dive head first into this black hole called “Heroin.” I use the term black hole because that’s exactly what it is. You start by peaking into the unknown, telling yourself at any moment you can stand up and run home. Never do you imagine yourself falling so far down, with nothing to hold on to- no one to call out too for help. You’re just free falling—and then everything goes black.
Ever since I was a little girl my favorite movie has always been Alice in Wonderland. It’s ironic that this experience felt a lot like the plot of my favorite childhood movie. I was just a young girl, curious about the world around me. Curious of that black hole, and once I fell down, I was lost, Just wanting to get home. The first time I tried heroin was out of spite, Out of anger and sadness. I didn’t understand why Walter couldn’t quit. I’ll never forget that night. I was crying and so upset, I locked myself in the bathroom of our apartment (where I found another stash hidden) and told Walter, “If you think this is okay to do to yourself, then you can watch what it does to me.” It sounds so stupid now, I know. But that’s where I was. I was watching someone I cared for throw his life away. And for a second I thought maybe I could change his life. But the only life I changed that night was my own. It took me one time… one small line of brown powder, and I was hooked.
I convinced myself that everything was fine, I mean I wasn’t shooting the stuff up… that’s what the “real addicts do,” right? No. that’s where people are highly mistaken; Just because you don’t have track marks on your arm doesn’t make you any better than the dope head sitting next to you nodding off, with a needle in his vein. I just happen to be a little queasy around needles, so I never went that route. i would say four months in to this addiction I found myself living a double life. I quit answering phone calls, I quit going home to see my parents, I shut myself off from the people I loved most. Because these are the people that can see through me, and I knew if I were to be around them they would know something was wrong. I was ashamed of who I was, I was ashamed of the person I had become. I never went a day without this drug for over a year.
I went through my worst set of withdraws one night and I swear it’s like your own personal hell. I sat in the passenger seat of my car kicking in my dashboard and pleading to God “Please just make all of this go away.” I called numerous rehabs hoping to find one that would take my insurance. But of course they wouldn’t take insurance and I felt hopeless. I felt as if the rest of my life would be dedicated to this drug. I was so angry with myself, I was so angry with God. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me, he wasn’t helping me. I needed him, I needed him to save me because I couldn’t save myself.
Walter and I drove that morning to pick up another sack of heroin. I had been withdrawing for about 14 hours at this point. We got it, opened the bag up and poured some out on my center consul. I remember picking up that dollar bill and feeling the drugs enter my body. I took a huge gulp of blue Gatorade to get the discussing taste out of my mouth and then everything went black.
I Knew Who I Was This Morning, But I’ve Changed a Few Times Since Then
I think about how quickly things have changed for me,
But that’s the personality of change, isn’t it ?
When its slow, its called growth;
When its fast, its called change.
& God,
How things change:
Something’s,
Nothings,
Anything’s,
Everything’s…
All The Things Change….
You want something so much right now– A job, a relationship, or an achievement of some kind- that you are pretending you don’t want it at all. while that may seem counter-intuitive to other people, to you this is a way to stave off disappointment if your venture doesn’t work out. You would do better though if you would allow yourself to feel your passion and to pour yourself into your goal. that way, you can gain confidence from knowing you’re trying as hard as you possibly can.
You have asked the universe for certain blessings for so long that you can probably recite your requests by heart. Even so, you have yet to receive the blessings that are most important to you. Or, could it be that your idea of bliss keeps changing, and your requests along with it? You can have what you want and need, but you first have to know what you want and need for sure. and then you have to open your arms and accept what is sent to you.
You are the author of your own story. If you’re stuck on the same page, remember that at any moment, you have the power to write a new chapter. with that being said; If all of your prayers were answered, would it change the world? Or just yours?
- Sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream no one can see but you.
“An Open Letter To My Baby Seester”#RoyalT
Oh seester,
When I heard the news…
Your mom sent me a text to come down stairs; I thought to myself, “great, what have I done now.” I’ve been trying to remember to lock the doors behind me when I leave, and I think I swept the salon floor the last time I was down there?… But I forget things, and living at home isn’t always easy for any of us.
I walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed where dad and Cassie were lying.
“We got you a present!”
Well I love presents! But I knew something was off, it was written all over their faces. No one in this family can keep a secret, but I went along with it. Cassie handed me a small gift, wrapped in paper and all. Cassie loves giving presents; I think she was more excited than I was to be honest. I ripped off the paper to find a green St. Patrick’s Day bib…Well we were in the middle of July, and St.Patrick’s day wasn’t for another eight months…
The first thought than ran through my head was, “maybe were going on a family vacation and this is to wear while funneling beer?” Cassie was always a great funneling partner and witty enough to do something like this. But of course, that wasn’t the case at all. I flipped it over and read the words “My 1st St. Patrick’s Day”
“You’re going to have a brother or sister!” they kind of looked at me with hesitation, not really sure of how I would take the news. I was however, an only child for 25 years. And not only were they bringing a baby into the world, but I was living under the same roof! Were they going to kick me out? Where do they expect me to go? I understand I’m 25 years old, but rent is a lot of commitment that I’m just not ready to make.
Well they didn’t kick me out of the house… they just kicked me out of my bedroom. Dad was so nervous to ask me too switch rooms. He invited me to go to dinner with him one night, just the two of us. And once again, I’m nervous he’s about to tell me i need to find somewhere to live. I’m thinking to myself “he knows I don’t do well with roommates, we’ve been down this path, and it’s only going to be a headache for the both of us when this goes south.”
Well He’s nervous, and I’m nervous; so to calm our nerves we ordered a pitcher of margaritas. Thank God they were strong. I laughed to myself when he told me they wanted to use my bedroom for the nursery, due to the size and tall ceiling. “Sure! Go right ahead!” Ill move my belongings down the hall. –What a relief that was “check please!”
I have to admit, I wanted a brother. What was I going to do with a sister? Yet, here we are, you’re almost a year old and I’ve gotta say… What in the hell would I do with a brother? The moment I met you, my entire life changed. You know, you almost didn’t make it. We prayed and we prayed and God listened to our prayers. As you laid in NICU I snuck in to see you one night. No one was allowed in, but that wasn’t going to stop me. i snuck pass some nurses and hid behind a wall until the coast was clear. I sat with you and talked to you as you squeezed my finger so tight. I remember telling you that “Whitfield’s aren’t quitters, “something my dad (our dad) implanted in my head over the years. And you stood true to your name. You held on, and you came home.
So my black and white room switched to purple and silver, the boat changed from Miss Courtney to Tinsley Mae, and I passed my crown down to your tiny little head.
And through all of these changes, you’ve taught me how to be selfless. You’ve taught me how to love unconditionally and you’ve filled my heart with more love and more joy than I ever could have imagined. In a way, you saved me. In a way, I think you saved us all.
All I could think about when you came into this world, was what I was going to be able teach you. I’ve made so many mistakes over the years, i was so worried about the responsibility of being a role model to you. But I never imagined that you would be the one teaching me. So thank you.
I love you more than you’ll ever know. And always remember;
To keep your head held high princess; if not, your tiara will fall ❤
Live a Little 