Anxiety\ anxiously waiting for the storm

My Monday afternoon anxiety attack.

Raw & unedited.

 

I have a lump in my throat and my body is shaking out of control, I’m shivering all while sweat is dripping from my hair line, I just want to let these tears fall from my eyes but I’m holding them back which is making it even more difficult to breathe. My hands are cold and my body is tired but my mind wont rest, not even for a second. Something is wrong. I can feel this negative energy casting over me like a dark cloud on a rainy day. I just want to let my tears fall like rain, so at least I know I will be able to fall asleep after the storm passes and my eyes are too heavy to hold.

I just want to break down these four walls that I am stuck inside of, the ones that are caving in on me more and more with every second that passes. Something is wrong. Something is going on. Someone is misleading me, someone is lying, someone is talking bad about me, and someone is out to hurt me. I should run away like I always do. shut myself out from the world, that way no one can touch me, no one can affect me, nothing can get to me. I’ll sit alone in my room and write in my journal, pretending that I’m happy when in fact I am just lonely. I’m tired and I’m lonely from being so alone. But at least by being alone no one can make me feel this way again.

The phone keeps ringing and I should probably answer it, it could make me feel better talking to someone, maybe calm me down. But my voice is too shaky and my hands are too weak to even hold a phone. Nothing has even happened but everything feels wrong and by everything I mean my world has shifted from a rainbow to a black ink stain. Nothing has even happened but I know its coming, I can feel it. I just need to get out of my head. I just need to feel the sun touch my heart but I am so anxiously waiting for the storm, its brewing inside and I know once it’s over this will all feel so dramatic. Ill apologize a million times for the way my brain operates and for how emotional I was. Then I’ll be embarrassed for the next few days, get shy, and want to skip a chunk of time so this attack isn’t so fresh in my head.

I just hope this is a quick storm, I just want to breathe normal again.