My Dance With The Devil #Heroin

When I was first introduced to heroin it was by my boyfriend at the time. We will just call him “Walter.” I wasn’t aware of his drug use prior to moving in, but as time went on I started to catch on, and within weeks I started to uncover what was truly going on behind the scenes. But little did I know, I was about to dive head first into this black hole called “Heroin.” I use the term black hole because that’s exactly what it is. You start by peaking into the unknown, telling yourself at any moment you can stand up and run home. Never do you imagine yourself falling so far down, with nothing to hold on to- no one to call out too for help. You’re just free falling—and then everything goes black.

Ever since I was a little girl my favorite movie has always been Alice in Wonderland. It’s ironic that this experience felt a lot like the plot of my favorite childhood movie. I was just a young girl, curious about the world around me. Curious of that black hole, and once I fell down, I was lost, Just wanting to get home. The first time I tried heroin was out of spite, Out of anger and sadness.  I didn’t understand why Walter couldn’t quit. I’ll never forget that night. I was crying and so upset, I locked myself in the bathroom of our apartment (where I found another stash hidden) and told Walter, “If you think this is okay to do to yourself, then you can watch what it does to me.” It sounds so stupid now, I know. But that’s where I was. I was watching someone I cared for throw his life away. And for a second I thought maybe I could change his life. But the only life I changed that night was my own. It took me one time… one small line of brown powder, and I was hooked.

I convinced myself that everything was fine, I mean I wasn’t shooting the stuff up… that’s what the “real addicts do,” right? No. that’s where people are highly mistaken; Just because you don’t have track marks on your arm doesn’t make you any better than the dope head sitting next to you nodding off, with a needle in his vein. I just happen to be a little queasy around needles, so I never went that route. i would say four months in to this addiction I found myself living a double life. I quit answering phone calls, I quit going home to see my parents, I shut myself off from the people I loved most. Because these are the people that can see through me, and I knew if I were to be around them they would know something was wrong. I was ashamed of who I was, I was ashamed of the person I had become. I never went a day without this drug for over a year.

I went through my worst set of withdraws one night and I swear it’s like your own personal hell. I sat in the passenger seat of my car kicking in my dashboard and pleading to God “Please just make all of this go away.” I called numerous rehabs hoping to find one that would take my insurance. But of course they wouldn’t take insurance and I felt hopeless. I felt as if the rest of my life would be dedicated to this drug. I was so angry with myself, I was so angry with God. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me, he wasn’t helping me. I needed him, I needed him to save me because I couldn’t save myself.

Walter and I drove that morning to pick up another sack of heroin. I had been withdrawing for about 14 hours at this point. We got it, opened the bag up and poured some out on my center consul. I remember picking up that dollar bill and feeling the drugs enter my body. I took a huge gulp of blue Gatorade to get the discussing taste out of my mouth and then everything went black.

One red light- that’s how far Walter got before looking over at me, to find my face blue, my eyes shut, and I was making funny noises with my throat. Walter described the sounds as if I were drowning, gasping for air. Not even a full minute from when that drug entered my system, and I was dead. That’s what people don’t understand about this drug. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done it, all it takes is that ONE time, and your life is over.

I woke up in the backseat of my boyfriend’s mom’s car. She had come to meet us in the parking lot of where he had pulled over. They laid me in the back of her car until the ambulance arrived. I woke up confused and foggy; I thought I had been in a car wreck.  I didn’t know where I was, how I got there, or what happened. The ambulance had shot me up with narcan; after probably 20 minutes of being lifeless, within seconds I was back.

God answered my prayers that day. I was taken to the hospital where my family came to join me; they didn’t know what to say or how to act. I was throwing up, my memory was all over the place. I didn’t even know what to say to them. I just laid there. My mom and step dad were at my apartment gathering all of my belongings while my dad and stepmom were speaking to the nurses and helping me talk with a psychiatrist. They brought me home that night. The date was 11/19All I ever wanted to do was come home.

For two weeks I laid in my room going through withdraws. Cold sweats, restless legs, vomiting, sharp pains running through my body. I got up a hand full of times within those two weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink anything, I just wanted to sleep but that would make it all too easy. It’s impossible to sleep. I was on lockdown. My dad took away my phone; my car was parked at my moms. I had no way out and being that my dad lives in a gated community, he made sure that no one had a way in. my mom would drive over to my dad’s to bathe me… yes that’s right. I couldn’t even take a shower on my own. The water felt like a thousand knives stabbing me in every inch of my body.

When the pain got the worst of me I remember trying to leave. My dad wrestled me to the ground as I beat the shit out of him. There was nothing easy about this process, for any of us. My parents had to be strong when I couldn’t and I thank them for that. When you’re an addict you think everyone is your enemy, but in the long run they’re the ones saving your life.

I stayed clean for about two months. Until I didn’t;

The next time I did heroin I overdosed, a second time. The date was 1/06

I don’t even like to talk about this day because it was just plain dumb. Why I would ever touch the stuff again is beyond me. But I did. And here we are.

My stepmom did CPR on me for over 30 minutes waiting for an ambulance to show up. I woke up on my bedroom floor after being shot up with narcan (again) with nothing but regret and disgust. But through that relapse I found myself again. I didn’t know who I wanted to be or where I wanted to go. I did however know who I didn’t want to be and where I didn’t want to go. And that was one of two options. Dead or in jail. I picked up the pieces of my life that day and GREW THE HELL UP. Not many people get a second chance at life, they defiantly don’t get a third. I was one of the lucky ones which is why I’m sharing my story.

I wouldn’t wish this disease on my worst enemy and i wish I could take the needle from an addicts arm and make them realize what a beautiful world they have waiting for them. But its up to them, and you cant help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves. It’s a tough uphill battle but its worth it. I look back at those two weeks I spent in bed getting clean of this drug, and although it was hell… it was TWO weeks.

The important thing to remember once you get clean is to change your surroundings, cut off all people that use. I don’t care if they are your best friends, cut them off. And get your life back. And in time, you will inspire others to do the same. THAT’S what a friend is. That’s what taking control of your life is. You deserve it. You’re worth it.

You’re always ONE decision away from a totally different life.


 

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414 thoughts on “My Dance With The Devil #Heroin

  1. I lost my oldest daughter to heroine overdose her dad found her and it was to late she was already gone October 1,2016 will be the worst day of my life .. I never knew she wa using heron she would keep in contact with me but would never allow me to come pick her up ..she stop seeing her son always had excuse why she couldn’t see him.. You don’t know how reading your story has help me understand the addiction to this drug .. As a parent we fill like we are to blame we failed as a parent ..I know I have trade to help my daughter by putting her into rehabs but she new how to beat the system .. God bless you ..❤️❤️

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      1. These stories have touched my heart so much. I pray for all of your losses & for all of your triumphs. Please know that God is real. He is all around you.. Believe there is healing with loss & never give up. I know what sorrow is first hand.This has opened my eyes to the past .. I am sobbing inside for all of you & my lost loved ones. Even closer to home myself. Addiction of any kind is a band aid for pain, loneliness, lose of hope. Reach out always & ask your loving God to put help & love in front of you. I am my brother’s keeper, my hand is outstretched just reach out. With love & prayers in Christ, Ellen

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    1. I lost my daughter-in-law august 28th 2016. Then in November my son overdosed in my bathroom and I found him blue and not breathing. Thank-god the fire station is in walking distance they were here with in minutes and had to use narcan twice on him. I have never been so scared in my life and I hope i never have to relive that again.

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      1. I am so so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine the pain you feel. My heart goes out to you and your family. My husband has been using for almost 7yrs. After we lost our home of 15yrs. And having a prior addiction to prescription drugs(for a yr), he thought if he couldn’t afford prescription pills, heroin is the second best thing. It’s the WORST thing. He is 48 not a kid. Was very successful and now dwells on the past and doesn’t seem to care about the future. I know all too much about loss.. You have 2 angels now. Know that your son is always with you. Much love and support to you.🙏💓

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      2. I lost my daughter-in-law in 2014 she left (2) Children behind and they are heart broken. My son was successful and then he picked up they lost there home. He has been in and out of jail, living where every he can find a place. He robbed and cost our family lot of money. We take care of some of my grandchildren expense because he can’t. In his now four months clean and praying to God to take care of him. It has been living nightmare for last ten year. I hate heroin

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    2. I lost my son on October 1, 2016 as well…24 days before his 24th birthday😞. His girlfriend found him when she got home from work but it was to late, he had been gone for about 4 to 5 hours prior to her finding him. I will keep you in my 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼’s.

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    3. Dear Laura, You as a parent are definitely not to blame. Addiction is an insidious disease that is taking the lives of many. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter. Please take care of yourself, and lean into friends, family, & faith to aid you as you grieve.

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    4. I lost my best friend to a overdose 8-18-15. I still miss her every day as much as the last. But it’s a harsh reminder that I have to stay clean and sober. I’m so sorry for your loss. With love. Kristina

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    5. You contradicted yourself, first you said you didn’t even know she used heroin, but at the end of your comment you stated you tried to help her by putting her in rehabs???

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    6. My son was a heroine addict and as a parent I did what I had to do to save my son… I had him arrested and after 3 weeks in jail and a great support team he has been clean for over 4 years.

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    7. I’m so sorry for your loss. I was in active addiction off and on from 18 till my mid-late 20s. I can’t imagine your pain in losing a child. But please don’t ever hold yourself accountable. There’s nothing you could do.
      Opiates literally rewire the reward center of the brain. It breaks you into two people and the addiction will do anything it can to survive, lie, cheat, steal etc. it’ll convince you it’s ok to blow off your family. Or in my case be a monster in my home.
      Addiction can take people from great homes, bad homes, rich, poor and everything in between.
      My mother passed away before I got clean. Unfortunately I can’t apologize to her. But what I can do is atonement. I can try to be the son she raised.
      Your daughter passed very recently. I hope you know that there are groups for parents who lost children to addiction, these can help tremendously. Counseling can help. I wish you happiness. And know that your daughter would never want you to feel guilt. I’m sure she’s looking down on you. ❤

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    8. I just lost my nephew to heroin December 11, 2016. I have so much guilt for not doing more to help him but I did try. I took him to rehab and he walked away and went right back to the drugs. He witnessed his fathers death at 7 years old and never got over it. We had many long talks and this was his painkiller that ultimately took away his pain forever at the young age of 24. I miss him sooo much and wish I could find a way to help others more that are struggling with this monster!! Forever Lucas!! I love you!! Sooo sorry for your loss as well!! This is a horrible epidemic sweeping our nation and something needs to be done.

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      1. I meant sorry for the loss of all the other loved ones. I pray that God helps you stay away from the “black hole”! Thank you for sharing your story!!

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    9. Im so sorry for the loss of ur daughter. We have lost a few family members to this drug and its just absurd! We need more information nd education t the public and all kids in school god bless u please stay strong.

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    10. We lost my ex husband, my ten year old daughters daddy, October 2nd, 2016. Its been the hardest thing ive ever been through and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. This drug is taking mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, best friends, anyone in its path. Im choked up just writing this. My baby girl will never see or speak to her daddy again. 😦

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      1. I’m sorry for your loss Amy – keep your head up . You have a beautiful daughter that needs you more than ever, and I know you’re going to be the light that comes from the darkness she’s been faced with. ❤️

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    11. Hi Laura, My name is Michele. I also lost my daughter to the devil on June 19,2016(Father’s Day). I share your pain. If some people only knew her the way I did, she was a beautiful, smart, caring woman with a heart of gold.She also left behind 2 amazing children that I am now raising. My life will never be the same without her along with her children’s. We miss her smile, contagious laugh and big heart everyday. However I do know that she is at peace and no longer has to battle this horrendous disease. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, please know you are not alone. Xo

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  2. I too lost my only child, my only boy at the age of 22 to heroin.. But because of Gods strength I fight for Jesus and my boy every day! And I’m so sorry for your loss as we’ve shared the same tears, hurt and pain.. Truly sorry..

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    1. I’m very sorry for your loss .. This is the hardest thing a parent has to go thru we as parents are helpless when it comes to this drug or all drugs .. I pray to God everyday to watch over all of the young generation .. once again very sorry for your loss..

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      1. I battled a 12 year heroin addiction.. my story is very much the same as above. So I won’t go into detail… The one thing I will say is that u are absolutely correct. One bad decision can change your life forever. My addiction also started because of a walter I followed behind him. Long story short I grew up and I realized no one can help me but me. I am proud to say come September 1st 2017 I will be clean 12 years. There is hope in addiction. I want to thank the girls before sharing her story it was very touching and hits home. I am a single mother of a 20 year old son who is my world and would never ever want him to go through what I went through. I think God he is his own person and he is not a follower like I was.

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  3. People, please, whatever you do please do not even consider trying suboxone. It is worse than heroin. The withdraws from suboxone are worse. It is so bad for you. I had to go back to rehab just to get off the suboxone as it is insanely addictive. There are other ways.

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    1. Can I ask how you got off suboxene? My doctor has kept me on it for 2 years now as pain management that’s there excuse. I hate it and wanna get off but I don’t know how.. I can’t go to rehab due to having under age children..

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      1. I work at suboxone clinic that helps opioid addiction, if the doctor tapers you down corresckty then once your off you body reacts well and doesn’t have cravings! Tell your doctor you are ready to taper down.ive done this for a year and have had 10 people graduate our 18 month program

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      2. I urge you to reconsider advising people against suboxone. When used correctly, it enables you to ward off the physical challenges so you can focus on the emotional/mental aspects of recovery (allowing you to properly cope with cravings once off of suboxone).

        It is possible to come off of suboxone without any withdrawals – cut off a 1 mm x 1 mm square from your strip the first day, a 2 mm x 2 mm square the second day and so on. Because of suboxone’s extended half life, you will not experience the pain of withdrawal. I am so sorry you had a bad experience with it but suboxone had made recovery not just a possibility but a reality for me and for hundreds of thousands of others. Love and light to you in your sobriety.

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      3. Jennifer, if your only 2 years in, now is the time to stop. I was on Suboxone for 9 years, it is far worse than heroin, and it will be hell getting sober. But as long as your determined, you can do it. I had to leave everyone and everything I knew, move to a different state and start over. The mind is stronger than you think, if you take everything you associate with Suboxone out of your life, you can be sober too. You will go through withdrawals that will make you hate everything and everyone but I promise you, it will be worth it. Always remember, your children are more important than anything. Godspeed..

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      4. They keep you on it, as it’s money in their pocket. I struggled with my mother, as her “pain management” doctor had her convinced she MUST have them to live. She sold off everything she owned to pay for that garbage. She has since passed and I feel that they played a reasonable part in it. Although her death was not drug related, she had MANY real health issues, that she masked with these pain pills, and put getting these pills her main priority. I would suggest seeking a primary care physician. These pain clinics have one job: to keep you addicted to this drug they call suboxene:(

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      5. Jennifer have you have heard of Kratom? They are many Facebook groups and numerous stories of people getting off suboxene and heroin with the help of Kratom.

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      6. I was on Suboxone for 7 years. It saved my life but it was difficult to get off of, no doubt. But I did it! I also have young children so inpatient rehab was not an option. I went to an outpatient clinic and slowly tapered my dose down. It took about 3 months and a lot of hard work. But I am happy and grateful to say that I have been off Suboxone now for over 2 years and I feel great. It is possible, I promise!

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      7. I have been on it for almost 4 yrs first it was for my addiction, now it’s pain management. I’m on subutex tho, I don’t like taking it either but I have to because I literally can’t move without it, the only thing u can do is taper yourself off from it.. go all the way down to 2 mg and then 1 and let it be done..

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      8. Take time to cut your dose down. I was down to .25, ran out and just dealt with the sickness for two weeks. It is awful, but after you throw up and detox, sleep for days on end with weird dreams, hot/cold flashes you will begin to get your strength back. Don’t give up, this year has been 5 years I’ve been off that drug and it’s been great.

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      9. My best friend is on Naltrexone. I know a couple other people that are on it to for drug court and they like it. It’s non narcautic. And opiate blocker. Get assessed by your doctor I know a lot of people that it helps so much.

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      10. You need to do a suboxone tapper!!
        You need to do like 3 weeks of 8mg 3 weeks of 6mg. 3 weeks of 4mg
        Then 2 weeks of 2mg. And after that stop it might suck for a couple days after but by day 4/5 u will feel great I promise. That’s how I did it and clean for 8 months now

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      11. You need to taper you dose down to 1mg and then get some other non narcotic pain meds and something like clonidene to go through the withdrawal.

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    2. My sister in law is on suboxone now. She was doing good so her doctor tried to slowly take her off of it. She lost it, her fiance was up all night trying to get Verizon to use gps to find her through her phone. She partied so hard, I’m not sure what all she used but the reason for that night was to go straight to her doctor to show him what she had done, just to be put back on suboxine. That stuff is no good!! To relapse not for the drug itself but to be put back on this stuff.

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      1. Ur sister-in-law used because she wanted to… when you want something badly enough you got it and if her doctor was weening her down she should have stuck with it tapering off of Suboxone is not easy like I said if you want something you make it happen. I’m only speaking from experience and a very long experience

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      2. That really comes down to how your sister-in-law used suboxone rather than the drug itself. As with any prescription, you need to use it responsibly. It’s also important to note that suboxone is by no means a cure for addiction, but when used in tandem with

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    3. Dude……Suboxone is a miracle. Yes withdraw may be harder for some, but Suboxone can be used for a short period of time to get through withdrawals and quite before your dependent on the suboxone. Ask the parents here who’ve lost kids if they would rather have their doctor prescribe a safe regulated accurately dosed medication over the incertain world of heroin which include overdose, criminal record, getting robbed, committing crimes to get your fix, selling your body, extorting/manipuling your friends and family, and people will mix\cut it with whatever to sell a fatter sack.

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      1. I totally agree Suboxone is a miracle drug. You probably shouldn’t be on as long as I have however I have built a life around it. I have a career I have a relationship with every single one of my family members. I have back again and that’s a very long time for my family to do. So yes I agree Suboxone it’s not a bad thing

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      2. Suboxone saved my life. Now I am able to work, go to school, live my life and work on myself without the terrible cravings I experienced before. I tried getting vivitrol, 12 steps for long periods of time, and nothing worked because the cravings would take control over me. I thought I was gonna die before I started getting subs prescribed to me, my family would much rather me be alive on subs then be dead and so would every other family I would think….so don’t go around bashing a drug that saves lives.

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      3. Or have a husband who’s doctors put him on high end narcotics for 5 years due to injury then switched him to Suboxone after 4 days i the hospital, left him on that crap! He has REAL physical pain, Suboxone doesn’t help with pain, it helps with withdrawals. So now I walk into our bedroom to find him shooting up. Suboxone makes it so NO ONE WILL TAKE HIM in rehab, you have the tool use it! LITERALLY SAID TO US! Substitutuing one pill for another is not helping the disease one iota.

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      4. I am one of those parents. My answer is no. My daughter called me on the 1st of December while I was working night turn. Said she wanted help didn’t want to live like this. She came to my house at 9am on the 2nd of December. I had spent the night at work calling and making arrangements for a rehab center praying to God I could get her to go. What did she want? Suboxone. That would have been my last choice. I didn’t want a replacement. Long story short. I boarded a plane to Florida that afternoon and she is now in the process of recovery.

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      1. I know everyone will jump on my comment but it worked for me and it works for anyone who try it. Loperamide (anti-diarrhea) medicine. It’s actually a opiate but does not cross the brain so you don’t feel high. Just takes withdrawal symptoms away. Suboxone is a hard drug. How can people get mad that drug addicts misuse suboxone. Are you kidding me we are drug addicts, that’s what we do, misuse drugs. Anyways been sober over a year now. Would not be here if it wasn’t for something I can get from the grocery store for 5 bucks. Not filling anymore doctors pockets while they keep me coming back for the world’s most addicted drug (with a prescription) 😷

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      2. SUBOXONE & METHADONE ARE JUST ANOTHER ADDICTION!

        IF YOU WANT TO BE CLEAN ONCE & FOR ALL, GO RESEARCH IBOGA/IBOGAINE!!!!!

        The pharmaceutical industry absolutely will NOT let people in the USA know about iboga, but it is legal in almost every other country except America, & it is the only known substance in the world that actually re-wires your brain to pre-addiction state & it is NATURAL!

        It is a root from Gabon in Africa, it is one of the worlds most powerful hallucinogens, but it has been used for decades now to successfully get people clean from opioids!!!!!

        IBOGA IS A MIRACLE SUBSTANCE THAT SAVED MY LIFE & IT CAN SAVE YOU TOO!

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      1. Someone said it above. Kratom is by far the best option. For stopping dope, pills, Suboxone, or methadone. Find an online group and read as much as you can. I promise you many have beaten all of these dependency’s with just a safe and natural kratom leaf..

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      2. Naltrexone! It’s an opiate blocker. I know many people that have to take it for drug court and they said it helps soooo much. It’s non naurcotic

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    4. Wow I was on methadone for years then got booted because I lost insurance the withdrawals was unbelievable my bones ached. When I started the clinic the only thing around was pills perks oxys etc I went a few days without an thought I was going through withdrawal so the methadone clinic accepted me right away. Years later once I got kicked off methadone I realized years ago when I thought I was jonesing I really want it was just a mental urge. Over those years in the clinic my home streets changed heroin just became available in calais Maine with in the last two to three years an pills were noo longer available. I wanted anything to stop the withdrawal so I started heroin. My life was over taken very fast watched alto of my friends die or go to jail in a six month span. I now attend a suboxane clinic an I feel great . I didn’t get in right away due to the high demand an such a low patient intake number so I bought it off the street an many many times went without . yes I went through withdrawal but nothing like withdrawals from methadone or heroin. To me each an every addiction is unique same with the addict what may not work for another may be a life savior for the other

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      1. Totally agree couldnt have said it better myzelf! Same thing happened to me! Ive been on subuxone for under a yr and 6 yrs clean off of heroin! I wouldnt tell my worst enemy to go on methadone! Horrible and it gets in ur bones which takes months to clean out and its not a blocker…it wont allow u to get high but then again some people still do,its beyond me why? But i was on methdone for 5 yrs and had to stay off of it for 72 hours before entering into a subuxone treatment program…i walked off at 85mgs and it was horrible i asked my mother to watch my daughter for me as i was in such distress i couldnt fathom having to take care of her. Luckily my mother knew and was very supportive! As to me stayin on subuxone, i probably will start my tapper sooner then later now that im in an ok position! But as all others have said you have to want it yourself! No-one can help you but yourself!

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    5. I have to agree with u on this. It is much worse and the bad thing about it is Drs. give it to ppl to get u clean from some other drug but ur still not clean…

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      1. How can any of you really believe that taking suboxone instead of heroin is replacing one addiction with another? This would be true if you were abusing it but when you take it as prescribed every day it is in no way equivalent to an opiate addiction. There is no high involved – Suboxone is not an opiate, it is a synthetic opioid that blocks opiate receptors in your brain. If being on suboxone equates to not truly being “clean” then it only makes sense to apply that same logic to any pharmaceutical (I guess I won’t truly be sober until I stop taking my birth control too). Suboxone is to me as insulin is to my father – a medical aid to balance the body until I am back in good health. Even if you completely disagree with me, why on earth would you discourage others from taking an approach to recovery that works for them? You or someone you know being unsuccessful on this medicine does not translate to it not working for anyone. My personal opinion about NA is that it is out of date and non-inclusive but it works for some people, so I would NEVER tell someone not to try it just because it didn’t work for me. Think about the consequences of what you say before you say it, you could be discouraging someone from saving their life.

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      2. @cwow123 have you tried to get off of Suboxone? Has anyone you know? Most addicts I know, say the Suboxone withdrawl was WORSE than the heroin. Yes it’s trading one addiction for another when the replacement won’t set you free either.

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    6. I flat out disagree with you on the withdrawal being worse. Regardless suboxone is a means of escape from heroin. Its not the perfect solution ill admit but in life theres rarely one. Addictive as suboxone is and almost as hard to come off of its not deadly and thats what you need to realize. Yes your swapping one addiction for another but done right and with the right strategy you can ween yourself off.yes it will be miserable for sure but most importantly it wont kill you and thats by far the most important thing to recognize

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      1. The problem is Josiah, the Medical Community uses Suboxone like a replacement to go on forever! They don’t strategize for getting you off of all meds at any point in time. It woudl be fine if it was used as an INTERIM help, its not used that way in the vast majority of places here in the USA. Its used an unending replacement, that’s not practicing good medicine, that’s assembly line medicine.

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    7. You are absolutely correct about that. I have been on suboxone now for 7 years. 7 YEARS because it is that hard to quit. Yes, I may function like everyone else normally, but I would almost rather be trying to get off of a street drug than this. I am now down to my last half milligram a day and just about to jump ship. I am scared, but I am trying to remain positive that I can beat this disgusting medicine doctors gave me for my previous addiction to opiates. My husband was able to successfully come off of suboxone last year (by himself without the aid of a doctor) and he gives me such incredible strength and hope. If anyone ever does read this just know as great as suboxone or beupranorphine sounds, IT’S NOT. Try any other route for sobriety first. Love all you non judgemental beings in this column. There are more of us out here than we know. ❤

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      1. 2017 is about leaping maddie- so when you make that decision to “jump ship” remember that you not only have your husband behind you. but you have us too. i hope when you make that leap, you fly. and never look back. you deserve the life God gave you when you entered this world, the life of an innocent, carefree, beautiful child. somewhere along the way the devil took us all captive. now is your time to leap Maddie, and find that innocent carefree child somewhere inside of you who isn’t afraid of the world. Shes in there. dig deep and let her shine through. God bless you and your family. you’re going to be amazed at what you can do

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    8. If you ween correctly and are watched carefully by a doctor, it can save lives. Please don’t dismiss suboxone bc I successfully weened off and it SAVED my life

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  4. My father passed awAy in front of me when i was just 12 & I went stright to foster care my mother n sister started using, my mom got stright in 2008, when i told her i was pregnant, but sadly my mom passed awAy Oct 2 2013 from cobd, n 72 mg of methadone my sister have her ,n no my sister was not charged, my sister is now n prison for the3 time where she will be forawhile thank God cause when our mom passed shewent from crack to asid. …… n me growing up like that I’m thankful I didn’t follow in there – footsteps n I thank God everyday that i didn’t, but I’m not gone lie when my 4year old son passed awAy May 22,2015 , cause the hospital gave him 255 mg of fitneyol n didn’t tell me cause i hadno say so what they did to him but then i looked at my oldest child n said no she needs her mom n my son would not want that for me n now I also have a sweet 4 month old…. thank god, but thanks for sharing your story very remarkable n shows anyone that wants to quit if they put there mind to it they can. Keep up the good work .thanks…

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  5. This is my exact story… Except when my bf gave it to me, he didn’t tell me it was heroin… And I didn’t ask what it was. I also have no family to help or care for me. I was hooked, used for 3 years, praying I could stop. I knew I couldn’t stop if he was still using so I either had to leave him or get him clean too. We both quit, almost cold turkey, back in September. Four months clean now… Both of us. We didn’t have insurance so we had to illegally buy Suboxone to get thru, but only enough to get us thru 3 days of withdrawal each. It was excruciating, and ppl don’t understand that. The highs were amazing, but not worth the pain and sickness of withdrawal. We’re never going back to that lifestyle. We cut ties with all other addicts. (didn’t stop them from trying to get hold of us! ) and have stayed the course. Its so nice not being sick every other day. I’m not afraid to live life anymore. I don’t hide anymore. I love and appreciate life now.

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    1. I am so proud of yall, please keep up the hard work. Life and your beauty is well worth it. Take yalls story to the kids in the street and help others.

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    2. I wish this could have been my brothers story. I wish I could tell him how proud I am of him for getting clean and beating this monster, but heroin took him from me two years ago today. So I will tell you. From one soul to another, I am so proud of you.

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    3. that is amazing, i am truly proud of you and your boyfriend. i wish i could have helped “walter” and i wish we could have gotten clean together, but its truly amazing that both of you had the will power to go at it hand in hand. keep up the good work!

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    1. I have a similar story about my son, who passed away December 21, 2016 from an overdose. He had been an addict for over 20 years and each time he was at the bottom, he would try again and go to treatment. Towards the end of this year he was so depressed and ashamed that he could not beat this disease, he got high and I found him in his bed. He has a 14 year old son, pray for him and to my son, you are a warrior, now at peace and have won your battle. RIH Ryan.

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  6. Thank you for sharing your story my daughter has been clean now about six monthsb I felt like I was reading her story same scenario got hooked on it through boyfriend. After three years of hell and two overdoses, she is now six months clean living away from home and not planning on coming back for a while And that is her choice You’re absolutely right when you say stay away from people even if it’s your best friend or boyfriend your life comes first.

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  7. I feel all of your pain that drug is a killing machine I too lost my fiancé June 22, 2016 she was not an avid user I got the call while at work that is the worst call I’ve ever had and the worst drive home I am a union pipefitter so sometimes I travel for work I was 100 miles from home commuting that far back-and-forth every day to work that was one long drive that day she decided to hang out with the wrong friends that day I’m told they offered it to her she tried it by sniffing it it was laced with Phenyl what friends they were she passed out instead of calling an ambulance they left her there to die I have pushed for the investigation and so far two people have been arrested waiting on two more the ones that actually sold it to them What people that use don’t understand is how much hurt and sadness you leave behind to the people that truly loved you till this day I am still devastated and heartbroken she was my life my everything and now she’s my angel 💞That drug is a true killing machine I have never been a user and never will bebut I am willing to help anyone out there that needs help so they don’t put anyone through the hurt I’ve been through! but I am willing to help anyone out there that needs help so they don’t put anyone through the hurt I’ve been through! And if there’s anyone on here that reads this and it feels like they have no one I truly mean it I will help you anyway I can I enjoyed reading your story I’m glad you got a third chance and I ask anyone else if you get a second chance take it and run with it you don’t understand how many people you Leave behind hurt and heartbroken

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    1. My sister died unexpectedly 6/20/2016 from using Herion. It damaged another one of her heart valves. We didn’t know until2 months later why she died. The words you spoke are so true. I know now that she knows how much she was and is loved by all of us she left behind. She was my baby sister and it is still hard to deal with.

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  8. This is one of the best pieces I have seen, depicting the total aspect of an addicts feelings, reasons, painful withdrawal, grueling struggle to stop & journey to the side of sobriety! Thank you for having the courage to share your having! So insightful for the millions struggling with [heroin] addiction, and those desperately wanting to understand their loved ones addiction!!

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  9. 8-yr rollercoaster from Hell…overdosed multiple times…rehab multiple times…RIP son, 9/20/11…age 26. Crushed hearts, broken family, devastated sisters, gaping wounds in our hearts, will they ever heal? Tears, anger, sadness. ;(
    #heroinepidemic

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    1. some wounds may never heal, but stay focused on the positive and let your story inspire others to chose LIFE. im so sorry for the pain you’ve gone through. you have a friend in me, and you’re not alone. you’re in my Prayers. God bless ❤

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    1. my name is carl i was a truck driver for 25 years i am married now for 41 years never drank or smoked raised a family and when i was 38 got hurt and had to have back surgery over and over got put on pain meds little did i know the pain it would bring for 19 years i struggled with it then one day i was out of pills and got turned on to heroin i said to myself well now i will never be sick again little did i know it would change me to someone i hated i lied to to women and stole from our account sold lots of my guns i was a avid toy collector sold those and what ever else i could get away with i could not even look in the mirror to shave i hated my self so much i tried rehab after rehab come home and relapse .i was 55 when i stared heroin i 61 now and thank god my wife never gave up on me i have clean now for 4 months i did go back to rehab started a 12 program in n/a and my life is getting better every day and that goes to show this addition has no boundaries of age .i was thinking i would die a addict but now i know better we can get help it is out there so please don’t let this epidemic of heroin take you and myself from our loved ones they really hurt when we hurt and we don’t hurt any more because it has taken our life they steel hurt . thank you god for my 4 months clean . carl

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  10. Thank u so much for sharing. I like u faced this demon for 1 year. I hurt all of my family, my ex husband and my girls…ur right i dont wish this on my worst ememy. Alot of my family still dont undersrand how i let a drug take me over. I went from a wife, mama, and holding a job to nothing and not caring. When my ex husband told me it was really over and took my kids i tried to comment sucide..i had a gram was going to shot it and go to sleep and let my mama find me….but i changed my mind and i told my mama i was done with herion. I told her i needed her to be my rock which my mama was my enabler..she didnt like me to hurt…i withdrew from herion for 10 days and like u said i yelled for god. Ive been off herion for 1 yr 4 months…but i moved to meth just to have something to help me forget all i lost….now ive been clean for almost 7 months off everything. Im getting family back. I see my kids now..ill never get the ex husband back but its something i have to deal with…my #1 problem is my past getting threw up to me..i know it i lived it but i dont live there anymore..i live in the present…i just wish my past would never have to be brought up again….even saints have a past..only one perfect is GOD

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  11. After losing my son to suicide, his brother began using heroin. Like you, he never shot up. And like you, he was strong enough to change his life. Thank you for sharing your story; maybe it will take the needle out of one person’s arm.

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  12. I am a recovering addict been clean over a year and a half now. I was bad on it went to jail lost a lot if respect of my family my friends even almost lost my children. That was when I said enough is enough. I didn’t want that life anymore . I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I pray everyday that people will wake up and reliaze this drug is the devil. It keeps you wanting more until you stand up and show it you have more self control. I have never felt better since I quit. My family and I have worked things out and my kids tell me everyday they are glad I’m not sick anymore . they never saw me nor their dad use but they knew we were sick at one time but I’m glad that I grew up and god showed me what I have is far to precious to loose. I pray for those who have lost family due to this dangerous drug. It isn’t your friend nor ever will it be. Its your choice to stop and make a good life. Make the right one before its to late.

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  13. I’m an addict. In recovery today. And I say today bc it is a day to day struggle. I have 3 beautiful daughters I fight these demons for. 10, 4, and 10 months. On my dark days when all I want is a line in my nose to make my emotions go away and forget that I lost 2 babies, my dad, my sister and 2 best friends all with in 3 years. I repeat my girls ages over and over. I repeat their names over and over. Hoping to fight thru another urge. I always say it’s our choice to try it the first time but unfortunately it’s not some people’s choice after that. My boyfriend gave it to me for 2 months telling me it was just pain pills. I shouldn’t have been doing pain pills that way but he should have gave me a choice to do heroin. I was hooked. I took care of my girls. Never nodding out or acting strange. Just no pain emotional or physical. I had energy. But I fight that urge. Those demons fight me. I love my children’s father even though he introduced it all to me but I’m grown I knew better. But I fight. For Alivya, Analeana and baby Rennegaede. Their mama and daddy fight. I wish all kids had parents that got to make that choice and have it taken by overdose. But for now I’m happy my girls don’t have to live that burden. I wish all addicts can fight the demons they have. Life can be okay. Life can be good.

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    1. Heather– Congrats to you on continuing this fight! Even though we don’t know each other, I’m so proud of you. As I write this, I’m sitting on the floor of a hotel room where my husband and I traveled to help his family make arrangements for his sister that passed away from a heroin overdose on Saturday. She is leaving behind a 10 month old son who will never know his Mommy. I pray that you will keep strong in this fight for you and you precious babies.

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  14. Going through this Hell now with our adult son. Just came off a week of withdrawal. He has tried to quit more than six times. He snorts this evil crap. We live in constant fear that he will OD as he lives alone. Tried Suboxone and had bad side effects. It is a wicked path that addicts travel down and it breaks everyone’s heart. Has been going on for four years and I hope this withdrawal was the last one. God Bless all of you. Parents get some help. We get counseling through a free program in our community.

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  15. Omy gosh I’m sitting here astonished because I had the exact same thing happen to me I mean down to every last DETAIL!!! the bf the drugs the getting clean the having one relapse and than changing an making such a perfect life for myself !!!! I’d love to speak with u :):) this is inspiration for me seeing u went through the same thing an we r both so strong now congrats an don’t ever look back 🙂

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  16. Thank you for sharing your story! It’s a hard one to read, and pray that you stay strong in your battle! We lost my niece 1/18 a day shy of your last overdose, how I wish she had another chance so please win this battle for all of those that don’t have another chance . Hold close to your family ! Love and strength be with you!

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  17. I wish this could’ve been the ending to my story. My fiancée battled a heroin addiction for two years before losing the battle. It’ll be five years since we lost him come october. He overdosed 4 times before the final time. We had a 6- week old baby at the time. He couldn’t break himself away from the people that introduced him to H. They sat there and convinced him he didn’t have a problem. I finally left after I couldn’t take the emotional abuse from his addiction and fear of him nodding off with our baby in his arms. I loved him more than he could ever fathom, but that drug took him so far away from everyone that actually cared for him. It truly is heartbreaking and damaging to everyone involved.

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  18. Ive been using CAT on and off to deal with emotional shitty times in my life….i feel lonely….i use
    I feel scared…..i use.
    I feel useless…..i use.

    My fionce is not supportave at all and this makes it hard.
    Even when im not on anything he will accuse.
    I have no friends left and was a social bitterfly…this makes it so much harder….
    Any help or advice!

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    1. Im recovering with soboxin, I know your pain Bernicew, you shouldn’t go through this alone, I can try to help you through this. If you would like to talk with me on this comment back.

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    2. I am father of a son whom lost his battle Feb 22, 2016. it had been a horrible nightmare for 7 or 8 years between him and his sister. She got clean after a few tries at rehab and we thought he was on his way out of its grip when we got that call. The worst call I have ever experienced. My daughter is not totally clean and she needs to get off the Suboxone as well. My wife and I have been trying to help not only the addicts get help but also started a grief group for those that have lost loved ones to overdose or suicide. We will continue our efforts to help those still dealing with this epidemic and pray everyday for you all….Pray that you do not get that dreaded call. God bless the addict and their loved ones.

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  19. Powerful story! It teared me up a bit too. I also understand the struggle. Ive overdosed three times myself. Each time I was hit with narcane. Fortunately we made it, sadly though I have lost many friends to this ruthless disease. Continue to fight and share your story! Your an inspiration!

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  20. Can someone point me in the right direction …. My best friend and love of my life is addicted and wants help… He has no insurance and im afraid he will change his mind if i don’t act quickly….

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    1. We have clinics near me that offer methadone to people who need it without insurance. I would do my research. Also Some rehabs do scholarship problems if you don’t have insurance but need the help. Definitely look into that around you. I know this sucks to say but with no insurance you could get a withdrawal medication off the street.

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    2. Sheena, go find a good kratom forum or kratom group, and read read read. If they want off junk, they will get clean without having insurance or going to jail. Do this before they die. I have seen it work for so many people. If everyone who used only knew how to ESCAPE the withdrawal.
      There would be so much less suffering…

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    3. Call rehabs. Sometimes they have funding. If that doesn’t work, I know people who went to a hospital and said that if they couldn’t get help, that they were going to take their own life. It got them started with the process. I really don’t want to give that advice, but it really has worked for some people. It’s sad that some of us have to go that route just to get help!

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      1. That’s not a good way to use hospitals…hospitals are for sick people…would you want someone who actually had suicidal thoughts to not have a bed and get help because someone else lied to get that bed?

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  21. I personally have never been an addict. But I have seen first hand what this drug and suboxone can do to a family. My ex-fiancé and I met and instantly fell in love. We moved in together after just 3 months of knowing each other. I knew he was on some kind of medicine because he took a pill every morning, but I trusted him…never thought anything about it. A couple of months after we moved in together I started asking questions. He told me the truth, he moved to KY from Arizona because he was a heroin addict and had to get away from all of that. His mom lived in ky and his dad in az. Okay, I was totally blinded because of the love, but he said these pills where what he took to not have withdrawals. Okay, so this pill is helping him. I know I sound nieve and looking back I was. Money started missing out of our checking account, the lies started piling on and piling on. He told me his little sisters babysitter had touched her and he had to go to Michigan (her mother moved there to get away his dad) to be with her and see her. Which was just another lie, I found out he went to AZ. The day after he got back I walked into the bathroom where he was shooting up. I couldn’t believe he had brought this stuff into our house. After that, the abuse started. I still never used, and never wanted to. He was high all the time, and had been and I never knew. I called him out about using and every time he would get mad and sometimes he would hit me. I finally got the guts to kick him out our house. There where apartments for rent right next door, and he rented one. He didn’t have a car so I didn’t know that he had moved in over there right away. Once I found out, I was furious. I couldn’t believe that he would do that. Of course we had words a few times and I let him know just how I felt about him moving in next door. Of course he didn’t care. It was 4 days before Christmas and I had been at a Christmas party for work. A guy that I work with (nothing sexual whatsoever!!!) and I had rode together to the party. We of course took a cab back to my house because we did have a few drinks. My ex fiancé saw his car at my house and freaked out. He started banging on the door at 5 in the morning. Of course I didn’t answer it. I screamed through the door to tell him to leave. He didn’t. He continued to punch and kick my door until he shattered it into a million pieces. Literally. He came into the house, beat up the guy I worked with who was sleeping on the couch and threw me across the room. Of course I was on the phone with the police while he was kicking my door down. I was afraid for my life. I just knew he was going to kill me. He didn’t of course but that’s what I thought. He was on full rage. The police came, but of course he was gone by the time they got there. I got an emergency EPO on him. He had to move. Of course we had to go to court. He kept breaking the EPO. I kept having to call the law on him, for months. He would show up where I was etc etc. Needless to say I found out the hard way about this drug. I wouldn’t wish either end of this drug on anyone. I have seen what it does to people. He is now clean and married with a family, which I am happy for him about. I am also getting married to the love of my life in June. We live superset lives now, but I am forever changed about drugs. I wish nothing but hope and healing for anyone that has been affected by this horrible drug. Addicts and their families. I pray for you all!

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  22. God bless you for sharing this! My husband and I are houseparents for addicted teenage boys…we have 12 total who are with us for approximately 6 months. Addiction is a living hell…it destroys lives, families, everything! Our boys know that we are always here for them…even if it’s years later and they have relapsed. I pray for all of our boys (hundreds) everyday! I will add you to my prayer list too.

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  23. my name is ethan and i got alot out of this ive been struggling with heroin since i was 14 i am now 20. i am headed home from a sober living program i have 5 months sober. for the first time in my life i am starting to see clearly. really good to hear the story and for people to know the struggle is very real. love you all god bless

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  24. Have a daughter -in-law who used for 4 years, we tried to help her by sending her to 4 different rehabs but she always bailef. So our son and family did the hardest thing we ever did told her she had to leave. She was homeless for 1 year before she decided she needed to change her life, she went into a year long program and has been clean so far. We continue to pray for her because sh has two adorable little boys. When you see addiction up close it is a dance with the devil.

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    1. I have been reading all the comments about suboxonE.. I completely agree how was just another addiction I also go to pain management for my chronic pain disease with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis ,doctors have put me on a high dose of methadone to get me off of the pain killers to get through my everyday life and it just seems impossible to get off of I’m scared to death of all the withdrawal pain on top of my regular daily pain does anybody have any recommendations on how to get off of methadone safely without me going back to using painkillers to get through life daily, its no way to live like that..

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  25. My name is Jennifer, my sister Samantha and I recently lost our mother to the monster known as “H” , she was allergic to morphine and wasn’t smart enough to know that heroin metabolizes to morphine when it is in our system. She wanted a new high because her prescription medications for chronic “pain” weren’t cutting it anymore and thought that heroin would do the trick, well it did alright, it tricked her into the casket before she was 50. And now my sister and I mourn for her every day and she will never know what it was like to be a grandmother or see either of us get married or live the rest of her life to become an old woman like she would’ve . I see it day in and day out in my profession and I am just disgusted with it. My only prayer for anyone and everyone living with this demon is that they have the strength to get clean and can find a way to make peace with the demon inside before it is too late.

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  26. I would like to say thanks for sharing your story, my name is Brandon an I to am in the fellowship of na. Im so glad your doing well an you found yourself!!! I have been clean since sept. 7th 2016 I started the relationship in 2006 after a bad car wreck. Its not that long to sum but feels like I have been clean for years to me. I want to tell you if nobody has told you they love yoy tonight let me be the 1st, keep up the great work, an keep sharing your story to inspire others.

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  27. Much like this young lady I struggled with this devil we call heroine. I went to rehab a good 4-5 times coming out clean n sober. Which lasted only a week the first time and not much more than that the second time either. The third time I tried an outpatient day program for drug abuse and it helped. It helped enough to keep me clean n sober for 9 months. Unfortunately I wasn’t strong enough n some family drama n health issues arose n there I found myself reaching for the needle again. A few months went by and I took an easy route I’d rehab yet again. I got out met up with my loving boyfriend n got high an hour after I left. However this time I overdosed. I was so far gone I had to be hit with narcan 5 times! That was it for me. I gave 5 years of my life to that drug n I was done! I stayed awake all night crying thinking what I did to deserve this (I know now it was all me all my fault I chose to put my life in danger everyday) the next morning at 6am I got my sorry ass dressed and went to the methadone clinic in my town. I sat there seeing a lot of old “friends” n thought to myself no wonder I hadn’t seen them for a while! In march that would be two years ago. I’m still on methadone but I will say it saved my life. Some people call it a crutch or say I’m not truly clean but I thank god every single day for the 5-6 chances he gave me at life! I now go talk to young people about the dangers of heroine and I believe I’m truly changing the world! Thank u for sharing ur story n keep sharing! Keep letting people know there is life after heroine! God bless all of u!

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  28. The 22nd will be 3 years since my daughter overdosed. I loved her so much and was the main person she said she hated. Her boyfriends Mom was allowed to be in her life and always gave them money and paid for things and I was the one who knew she was using and was constantly trying to make her stop. It really hurts so bad thinking she hated me when I would have died for her. Nothing I did helped. I miss her, I pray she is in heaven and I can see her again.

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  29. If you are a parent who has a child addicted to heroin, check out http://www.battlefieldaddiction.com, they can help. They also have a support group for parents who have lost their children to addiction. I’m 33 yrs clean&sober and I’m tired of going to funerals…. Battlefield Addiction is located in WA State, but you can attend their meetings virtually. They also do consultations with families of addicts. Best group I’ve ever found for families of heroin addicts. Contact them before it’s too late for your kid.

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  30. My brother is on heroine he has everyone around him thinking it’s not that bad because he doesn’t shoot it he smokes it. What do I do he has everything in the world he could want and the parents won’t take anything away they enable and want to keep it all a secret…what can I do???

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  31. Thank you for sharing your story I lost my son 11/18/2016 of a heroin overdose, he was 26 I really wish I knew he was doing the drug but he started from pain pills from a back injury I knew he did something no idea it was heroin. The town he lived didnt have the Narcan I dont know if narcan would of saved him.But he left his family and daughter of 8 years old, I’ve learned more over the last 2 months about the drug.

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  32. Thank you for sharing. I have. It been in your shoes, but I’m watching my husband. He’s been through several rehabs for various things. First it was cocaine/crack, meth, then heroin this last time. He went through rehab long enough to appease me and then got out again. I wouldn’t let him come home until I thought he was clean. Boy, he can fool me sometimes. Unfortunately, he also has a mental condition, so when he gets off his meds, I definitely know he’s going to use. This last time he went too far, in front of our child. I had him arrested. As he still sits in the jail to this day, I know he’s alive and detoxed (37 days now and actually in a mental ward in a jail hospital, completely alone so I know he’s not getting nothing). He’s alive and sober for probably the first time in over 20 years on nothing. It his psych meds. Unfortunately I don’t know if I can ever let him come home, but I will help him get sober. He blew through his first and second and third chances. Hell, probably double that. But I will help him, he won’t be alone. His child needs him. I hope everyone has at least someone to help them through. Everyone has given up on him but me and his mom, my family loved him, but he’s done too much. But I have hope, and I hope it’s enough. I pray for all of you in your dark times

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  33. Heroin is a horrible drug. We need to start treating addicts as addicts and not criminals. It’s sad we don’t make treatment easier for people to access.

    We also need to stop kidding ourselves about “god.” Its clear there is no god out there and every time we give credit to this fairy tale we take credit from those who actually deserve the credit. Like your family who helped you. The doctors, nurses and scientists who made the things that helped you etc. that’s who deserve your gratitude. We need to stop with the Stone Age beliefs in talking snakes and people living inside fish etc. Lets be rational and give money and credit to science.

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    1. How about if people want to give credit to god they can becuz that’s what they feel helped them, and you can give your credit to science. You should not be telling people what to do or how to recover. A lot of addiction is mind over matter and a lot of addiction is physical so each person has their own complex story. It’s not the stone ages for sure or we wouldn’t have this epidemic. Nice way to encourage recovery. Hey people god bless you and seek god if you need to, after all his son died for you and secondly seek science if you need to but don’t become dependent on it, you can beat addiction. Forgive yourselves.

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  34. My childrens father passed in May 2016. They found him 2 days before my birthday abandoned in a random hotel bathroom. I have been watching his struggle for about 7 years. I tried everything possible to be there for him at a distance. My son was 13 and my daughter 9. It has been so hard on all of us. He was the love of my life for over 15 years. The hole he left is gaping. Hoping he is in a better place now.

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  35. It’s ridiculous the money, healthcare, time, energy, etc that heroin addicts take…you were saved twice from narcan but yet people who have life threatening allergies have to pay for their reversal agent of an epi pen. Addicts abuse the healthcare system, withdrawal, then most go and do it again. It’s ridiculous that this country treats addicts better than people who are actually sick…and don’t start with this is a disease…you CHOOSE every time to use that drug rather than have the withdrawal side effects.

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  36. Thank you for your story, it has helped me see what my son went through, I lost him on June 24th, 2016 because of this drug. He has tried to explain the hold it has on your body. I would just tell him to get of it. Just to stop it, he could not though. He left behind 3 daughters. You have put some of this in perspective for me. Thank you. CIndy

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  37. I so wish this could have been my husband’s victory story…but sadly he lost his battle on February 4, 2016. I can remember banging on our bathroom door that morning and I was so angry because he wasn’t answering. I just knew he was in there nodded off again and I remember thinking I’m so sick of this shit! Finally prying the door open there he was collapsed on the floor no heartbeat not breathing. I went into complete hysteria screaming and shaking him only to realize that our daughters had crept up behind me and were also witnessing the most horrific scene of our lives. They were there as the EMTs tried to revive him with narcan and CPR without success for over 30 minutes and then finally a slight blood pressure. They immediately took off with him. I remember arriving at the hospital and being asked to join the dr in a conference room only to be told that my husband did not make it. He was buried 1 day before our wedding anniversary. I admire your courage to share your story. I would also like to say that for those of you reading that are not and never have been an addict to be more understanding. I never could understand why he couldn’t stop and was less than encouraging in his recovery process. I would give anything to do it all over again and give the love and support he needed instead of the hard-nosed matter of fact treatment I gave.

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    1. Kathy, no one in this world knows how to handle addiction. look at me, i started using because i couldn’t cope with my boyfriend not getting clean.. thats how i “handled” addiction. please don’t blame yourself, we cant turn back the hands of time or everyone on this page would. what we need to do is come together as a family and share these stories across the world. the heart break, the pain, the stories that make you cry.. although the pain is still dominant for us, our stories can change someone else’s life. hug your babies tight and reminded them each and every day how much you and their daddy loves them. im so sorry for your loss and i wish you and your family nothing but love and happiness from here forward<3

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  38. Well I’ve been an addict for a long time. Lost my sister and father to the disease in 2015 2016. But I’ve been sober now for over 7 months and I have od many times. thanks to suboxone I am clean and sober today and never looking back

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  39. Hi all. I have always liked painkillers. started with tramadol years ago and then up to vicodin and percocet. Then this year i started snorting heroin. Some was pure with Fentanyl and some was less powerful. I have been MESSED up some times so i stopped and got on suboxone. Well a couple months ago i lost my business and i relapsed. I got off the Subz and started taking pills again and snorting white powder heroin. I believe its the best of the best from what i heard and it may have fentanyl in it. Its Scary. Im scared!!! My wife knows my family knows they are crying and scared scared scared. I tried getting back on the suboxone a couple times in the past few weeks and every time i get so sick. i literally take 1/4 of a pill. very small suboxone and it puts me into a withdrawal from HELLLLLL that i wouldnt wish on anyone. It was the worst. Sweats. Hot and Cold. I tossed and turned and didnt sleep that night. I was miserable. IM freakin scared shitless to start the suboxone again because i dont want it to happen again. I remember along time back when i started suboxone this didnt happen. It didnt put me into what tyey call a ‘precipitated withdrawal” Sooooooooooo again im sooooo scared to take one of these suboxone pills. Heck i only took a quarter of one and it went into a spiral of hell. withdrawal was crazy. Someone help me. Should i take more suboxone???? Am i not taking enough???? SHould i take a whole pill?? I have waited over a day. Like a day and a half and tried it and still was in a precipitated withdrawal that was horrible. I remember being on suboxone and it was great. I didnt have cravings. I actually went from being high anxiety and had to take alot of xanax and then on suboxone i rarely had to take xanax. it was a miracle. Sooooo my question is PLEASE HELP. let me know do i need to take more suboxone or do i need to wait longer??? Man i wish i can just wait 24 hours and take the pill because 24 hours is hard. DO i need to wait longer????? PLease help message me here or my email jvelasco82 on yahoo or text me threeee one four 707 twenty 8 forty thanks so much. HELP

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    1. Sal, I have no personal experience with suboxone so I’m not the one to give you any advice, however; if no one has responded I suggest you read through more of these messages and personally reach out to someone that has used suboxone and had success with it. I know many people loved it to get through withdraws and others did not. But please please reach out to some of these kind people and get different opinions. I’m proud of you for asking for help!! I wish you nothing but love and life from this point on! May God bless you on your road to recovery ❤️

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    2. Please give Kratom a try. It has helped many people get off of pain pills and Heroin. There are many Kratom facebook groups you can join to learn more about it.

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  40. 7-2-2015 2:10 pm – that’s the exact time i heard the worse words ever spoken to me ” Tiffany overdosed!” is what her Mother , My sister came out of my Mother’s home Screaming . five minutes after my sister ran off to her daughter ! She called back and said something that Changed my life – FOREVER ! And i still haven’t even come close to ACCEPTING or HEALING from that Event ……. And the sad thing is that im still around the Drug and it’s soon to be victim’s Everyday !

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  41. Battling herion addiction is the hardest thing I have ever had to fight. A lot of people don’t understand the physical pain and sickness not haveing it causes you and you feel like you might die without it. But the withdrawals aren’t the worst part of the addiction. The isolation you have from your family and friends and how you start not to care about anything in life other than getting more so you can “get well”. It’s wasn’t even about getting high for me in the end of my use, it was about getting well and not sick. It took me going to jail 3 times in 4 months and staying locked up for 60 days before I was able to see what my addiction was doing to not only me but to my wife, kids, and all my family. I came to realize I had no true friends anymore because the true friends I had I pushed away when I started using because I didn’t want them to know and my life had become about looking for, getting, and using herion. The “black hole” it sucks you into changed me into a person I didn’t like or recognize anymore. I have been clean now for 5 months now and it is still hard and I fight everyday to stay clean and remind myself that the problems herion has caused in my life are not worth giving into my addiction and using again. I hope that if anyone is reading this and is battling this addiction or has a loved one who is don’t give up hope because it can be beat. Everyone has something better to live for and herion leads to jail or death. If you are struggling with it ask for help to get clean and accept that help. Life can be a beautiful thing when you find your way out of the “black hole”

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    1. robby you are so right- the worst part is the sickness that comes from withdraws. i myself, like you, in the end of my using; only used to “get better” so i could go to work, so i didn’t lose my job, so i could get out of bed and make a bowl of cereal after not eating for three days. i used so i could gain the energy to pick up the phone when it rang to talk to my poor mother, i used so i could make it down the stairs to let my dogs out to go to the bathroom. i used at this point not to get “high” i used so i could function during the day. i know that struggle all too well, as many of us here do. im proud of you on your 5 month climb out of that black hole. im proud of you for choosing life. im proud of all of you that are taking any amount of time to share your story. this is how we start “getting better” this is how we start to heal.

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